The Mind is in Never-neverland!

It is really bad when you cant remember the day, date or if it is AM or PM !
Forgot the time of surgery yesterday and was 45mins late getting there.

Kalisa has discovered polyvore and Bethany helps her on there doing her collages.
K still likes to cut pictures out and "goo" them together. She has boxes and boxes of pictures that she thinks are important.
I guess they would be if there was a therapist that would see her.
No one wants us!
Either we are told dont take your insurance, dont do DID, dont want DID or the best one is - dont want you!

The rejection of the many different aspects of "our" life are just getting so very overwhelming!

There are several new"parts" that have made themselves known. I wonder how many "parts" can live in your head before you just go totally nuts! Or how many times you can be taken and repeatedly raped - over and over again until the perps do you in. Just how long can this poor body last?

Havent seen or talked to anyone I know for so long - no wonder Kalisa has taken over -she is the only "one" that gets any enjoyment inbetween the creepy perps taking her. She has her "babies" and toys that occupy her. Really it is a sad and lonely life for a 4 yr old.
I really think it was her doing being late for surgery yesterday.

This afternoon we have a major test to have done on the kidneys - to see if they are shutting down. Then in 2 wks we go to see when the metal plate comes out of the head.
No one comes any more to see us when we are in the hospital. So to "us" it has become just another day.
"We" are just plain forgotten.
According to others - this body's life is not worth the medical expense to save.

So Sad

It is so sad to read this - things that are written by all the "parts".
Knowing that "we" will always be stuck in limbo and at the mercy of the perps that get Kalisa to come out . They have her programmed so well!

"We" have some what mastered the polyvore site for therapy art work.
But have been cut off of it and other sites we went to because of a person's fear.
It just makes you feel even more so alone and wondering why you should keep trying.
Someone or something always seems to be shooting you down.

A new part revealed herself just the other day. Another young girl- Su Ling. She made 2 collages on polyvore. The kids seem to like that site alot. I guess because they dont get sticky fingers from the glue!

No one really cares about another person anymore in this world.
They all just seem to think about themselves.

Where did the out stretched hand go?
The one that you could turn to - who would be there when you needed someone just to be there?
That seems to be a thing of the past any more.
I wonder if that will ever return?

Another Part

Hi to the world!
Crap as it may be!
I am Crystal - I am sixteen and presently "in charge" when Kalisa is not out - seeing how Elizabeth decided that the real world was not worth being in anymore.

She said she she doesnt have any outside support and last week 4 therapists groups "rejected us" she said it wasnt worth trying to cope with the outside world. So she said goodbye and who knows where she went.
One group said they had their quota of DID people, another said they dont believe in it - one said they dont have time for DID people and the last said that DID people take up too much time!
Real nice! Right!

So I guess "our" therapy days are over with - I dont think she is ever coming back and even if she did she would have to be in an office that took Medicare and medicaid because we cant afford to pay since Purdential confiscated the $700 a month for the next 2 years!
So "we" will never heal,ever know coping skills and as Kalisa says - "maybe the badded boyses will makeds mees getteds deadeds and dens eyes bees an angels and neber getteds hurteds genns."
Terrible way to have to think for a 4 yr old. But what can I say.
I hvae a had enough time remembering to pay the bills let allone the dr appointments - I l et Kalisa out at home but right nowshe is so depressed she doesnt even play with her dolls. And for her that is really really bad!

I guess I am glad that no one reads this. Elizabeth use to write on her - I found this by accident going through her boookmarks. So I thought what the heck - I wouold write on here once in aawhile. Cant hurt anything. Right?

Cant Sleep!

This body hurts so bad!

The head aches so much it hurts to lay it on a pillow! And it is a very soft pillow!

Try eating and just get sick - have lost over 10lbs this past week.

Have to take a pill just so I dont throw up all the other pills to stay alive.

Stay alive for what? more agony?

Kalisa runs and hides so SHE doesnt throw up. The only time she runs and hides. How it was tried in therapy for her to run inside - now she does it just so SHE doesnt get sick! But she isnt totally inside-she does sit and rock - and rock and rock!

She doesnt come out but just does that rocking!

I was thinking earlier - what did I- me Elizabeth ever get out of therapy?

I never ask to go to therapy - that was Dr F's idea for Terry to go and then the shrink's suggestion for a therapist.

And look where it got me - I was better off just staying inside and not ever coming out. I wonder what would have happened if I didnt come out when Terry decided to "go on vacation" as Kalisa calls it.

Who would have taken over?

I didnt ask for this miserable life.

Kalisa didnt ask for it either. Look where it has gotten her. No where-nothing has been done to help her- no one cares to help or wants to help!

The shrink quit on us, the therapist quit on us - there is a year long waiting list for a therapist who is qualified in DID- there just isnt any help out there for us.

Family, friends and others have totally distanced themselves from us.

Art therapy was helping - but now I dont even care to do that. K likes to just cut out the pictures. She use to do one collage-finish it before starting another- now she has about six different ones started and not finished.

Her concentration is going down hill- for finishing something before starting something else.

The confusion and noise in the head is horrible!

If you tried and tell someone about it and how you feel - they would just look at you like you are crazy!

The local police think that I am a crazy old lady! They just look at me when they pass me when I am outside with the dog. One of the guys is actually afraid of me! When he sees me he turns and practically runs the other way!

I havent talked to anyone in the outside world for over a week!

I dont even know if I would know how to have a normal conversation with a person because it has been so long since I sat down with another person and talked!

Well K is trying to come out. What the hell! I am going to let her and not try and stop her from coming out any more. Then I dont have to feel the miserable body when I am inside!

Deceit-Lies & Broken Promises

Deceit-Lies & Broken promises ........Three things you might consider little or insignificant to a child but they are three of the fastest ways to loose trust and respect from a child.

If you have no intention of keeping a promise dont lie about it or be deceitful about it - be an adult and tell the child like it is. The truth may hurt them but a lie will hurt even more and be remembered a long time afterwards! And that goes for both internal and external children!

SO Sad

I am so sad!
I check the posts from a person "we" know and it is so amazing how her and Kalisa's collages have the same themes and types of pictures in them on them same days.
Kalisa says it is because of "their silber freds" (silver thread).
That is part of their bond - but it is really spooky to see the similarities in the collages and know that both of them were working on them at approximately the same time. But the collages have different meanings for each person.

Why am I sad?
Because I know that Kalisa's misses her"friend" so much and is so in tune with her that it hurts me. And I think I shed just as many tears because of this as Kalisa does because of not seeing or hearing from her friend.
How do you explain the reason of why all this is happening to an innocent 4 yr old?

Liars

I hate liars! But then I think almost everyone does.

So why then do people think you are stupid and lie to you?

This body is totally useless. Our lives are totally meaningless. No one cares. No one calls, no one comes by, there is absolutely NO outside contact except for doctors. And why go to them? Only to get more pills shoved down my throat. And for what? A pill collection?

I let K out alot - there really isnt any reason even for me - Elizabeth. Kalisa is sometimes just happy playing. But the desertion is even getting to her. She is getting to the point where she doesnt care if the "badded boyses" do anything to her. That is because there isnt anyone out there that cares - basically who gives a damn!

Loneliness is like hate - it can consume you.