Monday, March 9, 2009

Cant Sleep!

This body hurts so bad!

The head aches so much it hurts to lay it on a pillow! And it is a very soft pillow!
Try eating and just get sick - have lost over 10lbs this past week.
Have to take a pill just so I dont throw up all the other pills to stay alive.

Stay alive for what? more agony?
Kalisa runs and hides so SHE doesnt throw up. The only time she runs and hides. How it was tried in therapy for her to run inside - now she does it just so SHE doesnt get sick! But she isnt totally inside-she does sit and rock - and rock and rock!
She doesnt come out but just does that rocking!
I was thinking earlier - what did I- me Elizabeth ever get out of therapy?
I never ask to go to therapy - that was Dr F's idea for Terry to go and then the shrink's suggestion for a therapist.
And look where it got me - I was better off just staying inside and not ever coming out. I wonder what would have happened if I didnt come out when Terry decided to "go on vacation" as Kalisa calls it.
Who would have taken over?
I didnt ask for this miserable life.
Kalisa didnt ask for it either. Look where it has gotten her. No where-nothing has been done to help her- no one cares to help or wants to help!
The shrink quit on us, the therapist quit on us - there is a year long waiting list for a therapist who is qualified in DID- there just isnt any help out there for us.
Family, friends and others have totally distanced themselves from us.
Art therapy was helping - but now I dont even care to do that. K likes to just cut out the pictures. She use to do one collage-finish it before starting another- now she has about six different ones started and not finished.
Her concentration is going down hill- for finishing something before starting something else.
The confusion and noise in the head is horrible!
If you tried and tell someone about it and how you feel - they would just look at you like you are crazy!
The local police think that I am a crazy old lady! They just look at me when they pass me when I am outside with the dog. One of the guys is actually afraid of me! When he sees me he turns and practically runs the other way!
I havent talked to anyone in the outside world for over a week!
I dont even know if I would know how to have a normal conversation with a person because it has been so long since I sat down with another person and talked!
Well K is trying to come out. What the hell! I am going to let her and not try and stop her from coming out any more. Then I dont have to feel the miserable body when I am inside!

Deceit-Lies & Broken Promises

Deceit-Lies & Broken promises ........Three things you might consider little or insignificant to a child but they are three of the fastest ways to loose trust and respect from a child.

If you have no intention of keeping a promise dont lie about it or be deceitful about it - be an adult and tell the child like it is. The truth may hurt them but a lie will hurt even more and be remembered a long time afterwards! And that goes for both internal and external children!

SO Sad

I am so sad!
I check the posts from a person "we" know and it is so amazing how her and Kalisa's collages have the same themes and types of pictures in them on them same days.
Kalisa says it is because of "their silber freds" (silver thread).
That is part of their bond - but it is really spooky to see the similarities in the collages and know that both of them were working on them at approximately the same time. But the collages have different meanings for each person.

Why am I sad?
Because I know that Kalisa's misses her"friend" so much and is so in tune with her that it hurts me. And I think I shed just as many tears because of this as Kalisa does because of not seeing or hearing from her friend.
How do you explain the reason of why all this is happening to an innocent 4 yr old?


I hate liars! But then I think almost everyone does.

So why then do people think you are stupid and lie to you?

This body is totally useless. Our lives are totally meaningless. No one cares. No one calls, no one comes by, there is absolutely NO outside contact except for doctors. And why go to them? Only to get more pills shoved down my throat. And for what? A pill collection?

I let K out alot - there really isnt any reason even for me - Elizabeth. Kalisa is sometimes just happy playing. But the desertion is even getting to her. She is getting to the point where she doesnt care if the "badded boyses" do anything to her. That is because there isnt anyone out there that cares - basically who gives a damn!

Loneliness is like hate - it can consume you.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Mystery Mind

Well havent done anything here for awhile.
Been living at the doctors again.
Have a new pill, more weekly lab work and feel worse instead of better!

I hate when things are planned for the day and you have to cancel because you are too busy holding your head over the toilet pucking your guts out!
Here is the mood for the day!

Kalisa was taken again by those jerks! I dont know what trigger they are using to get her to open the door - it is a new one. And I cant figure it out!

They gave her something- besides a laxative because she got sick from what ever they gave her and she started to vomit so they brought her back home but not before they gave her a laxative on top of whatever made her sick. Made her extremely dizzy also. The laxative I guess is punishment for not being a "good girl" for them! A****holes!!!!!!!!!

She has been busy making her "picsures". She has all kinds! She would like to learn how to do the computer herself but she wont let anyone out long enough to learn how.

She is in control again - only lets bigs out when necessary. I guess that is why this place still isnt together. If she would just let me out for about 2 days - 2 days where you arent sick - I could get this place together and then she wouldnt have to go through containers looking for things.

Ugh!!! The people upstairs must have glued something! The glue smell is drifting down here! Sure hope it wont hurt the "torguses"!

Harmony tried to get out this AM. He couldnt quite reach high enough to get his front let up to the bottom of the door - sooo- he got the bright idea if just maybe - if he stood on top of Ashiee - he would be high enough to reach the bottom of the door and pull himself up! He probably would have made it out but Ashiee just didnt like the idea of having that lard a*** stand on top of him!!! SO Ashiee foiled Harmony's plan and moved! Harmony fell over!

Wish I had my camera handy- would have made some good pics!

Was the only good chuckle is the pass month or so! K wants to do a post but I am not up to her mood right now so she will just have to wait!

Too many - too much going on upstairs right now in my head! It is like a shouting match - no stopping it! Like bombs going off inside your head! And then the bodys pain has been really bad lately. The heart isnt doing very well-the other night I thought it was just going to stop! It would do that horrible flip flopping that it does! That is the most horrible feeling ever!