Tuesday, December 30, 2008

HELP MEES PEASE ???????

The emotions are beginning to get extremely raw. This is Kalisa's latest collage - the one above - she gets older parts to help her with the "numbers" (letters) and what things say. And then she tells them what to write (type).
There are many blogs on DID - oh - they are there if you look. And there are some that ask for every one's help in this problem of child abuse and DID survivor abuse.
But the blogs and the plea for help are only as good as the people who see and hear what they say.
Sometimes an army is defeated.
Sometimes it only takes one person to defeat that army.

This - will take first a person who hears and believes.
That person can be you or someone you know, a doctor, a therapist - not necessarily a professional person - but that one person who is willing to help - listen and care.
If there is a doctor or a therapist out there who understands about DID/abuse from it and willing to working with a victim - maybe just maybe - that is where the army begins to be built.

With one person helping another person understand what is happening and being done to them - so they can try and make themselves safe and learn to cope and live a life where they do not need to fear to live.

Yes government needs to do something also - but while waiting for them to do something about it - what about helping the victims now? Where is the help that they need ever so badly today- right now?
Some victims are very lucky and they have an understanding therapist - but those therapists are few and far between.

What needs to be done to keep the therapists that are educated in this already to stay and help these victims? It is fine wanting to get more therapists educated- but what are the children right now suppose to do - keep suffering until more therapists are educated? How long will that take? No one is listening.
Children are suppose to suffer for how long?
Eyes nots wants toos subbers nos mores !!!!! Pease helps mees! Kawesa

Take my hand - help me.

WHO - WHAT - WHY ??????????

WHO ?
DAMN IF I KNOW !!!

ME?

WHO KNOWS !!!!!

?????????

Monday, December 29, 2008

Never-Ending Story ?

Kalisa's before "Kiss-miss" pictures.
They cant even let her alone
before the holidays.
This one at the bottom has
a drawing she added-she said that they picked her up and were going to throw her in a hole in the ground that they dug and that there was a "bigs boxes downs ins de dirts dats deys gennas frows mees ins."

This body cant take much more - the meds for the MS are not working any more - been to the hospital every day for the past week -

The heart is going to have to be redone - that is if it can be redone- fine that out next week -

Kalisa hasnt even opened her "Kiss-miss"presents. They are just sitting there collecting dust. Some nights she is so scared -

Scared of what might happen if those creeps show up and then scared also because of this heart just flipping and flopping all around in the chest. Afraid to go to sleep because she may not wake up. She calls on her "wittle phonses" to the only person she trusts. It gives her some comfort - some nights it doesnt any more. And that even scares me! She is really what keeps this body going but there just isnt the energy there any more.

She lets her"energy field" down some -I guess because of the medical state that the body is in - she was talking to a little bunny the other day- and it was really sad - she knows she is dying - that this body is dying - I guess she gets some "crossover" from Anastasia- our inner wisdom part - she was telling the bunny that is was o-tays (OK) to be sad and that it was o-tays to crys because that is all a part of life and death. And that "ebery-bodys" has to "cepts" (except) that as part of life. Even if it makes your "bestest" friend sad and feel like crying.

Then she told the bunny she wished that her "wittle phoneses" friend would feels betters so she would come and talk to her before she dies. She cried then and hugged the bunny. She told the bunny between snobs that would make her so happy. But how do I tell a 4 yr old that that most likely wont happen? How can I crush her last ray of hope ? I cant do it - I just cant do it. That is her only last thread of hope here on this earth and if I tell her that will never happen - we are all dead. She will give up totally and die. She wont have anything to care about.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

DIDing (Spacing) Out

I am sitting here trying to do things on the computer - head hurts because it is cold outside and plate in head makes it hurt even worse. It is coming out ASAP! Go to dr tomorrow to see when it can come out.

Kalisa popped out for awhile on here - always interesting to come back and find a different screen then what you were doing. She was gaming.

I was going to fix the cellar door - the one that leads into this room from the outside. Someone tried to get in last night around 3 AM. They didnt get to far! That bookcase was the best thing to set in front of it!
I was going to fasten it shut and put plastic over it from this side - cold draft comes from under it. Have to do it so it is a permanent thing.

But Kalisa popped out - I think it was because I did too much this AM and was starting to hurt really bad- chest pain and back pain - so I had to stop working and sat down here to rest and out she popped!

Wish she would clean! She is happy right now - got her a little ladder wall rack for her story books- put it together and she put her books on it. Now she has all her toys in one corner of the bedroom. That is "her" area.
All her other things -"babies" are in their "beds" in the living room and bedroom. Some of her beds for them are big and she has a real baby bassinet and several real baby bouncers for her"babies". They take up alot of room!

Just glad all the rest of this body's parts (30 some) dont pop in and out like Kalisa does! That would be too much for me to handle! Several do come out - Sadie is an adult part that is the "shopper". She did a real number with credit cards several Christmases ago.
There are several parts that come out here on the computer but not like Kalisa or Sadie or me.
And then a lot of the parts do collages and or write in journals. Most just do collages.

Well at least whoever tried to get in last night - didnt and Kalisa stayed in and here and safe. Maybe it wasnt the preps. Great! Just what I need - another kind of a**hole bothering me!!!
We have snow and ice right now- so I hope the preps keep away. It is way too cold for them to take her any where.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Daily Difference in Alters

This is how I, Elizabeth, feel today. Angry, hurt, confused and in both emotional and physical pain.
This body is crap! I need an overhaul - major one !


I was just visiting Terry's site (host's name) where she keeps all of us listed.
How she remembers everyone I dont know.


Are protectors, and Guides and wisdom "people" considered parts and are all "parts" considered alters?
Or are alters only the parts that "switch" or "come out"?


This is too much to think about right now.



This is how Kalisa feels right now.
I am glad that she feels so happy right now.
Someone in this body needs to feel happy!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

ME INSIDE

INVADERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

All the diseases this body has - all the illness that can not be fixed - all the germs and imperfections..........


All the pain that is has .......... never goes away even with the strongest pain medication.........

Why do I have to suffer with all this agony and then have DID on top of everything else?

WHY ?

Why do the preps still have to bother me? Why dont people believe? I am not crazy?



How much more can this body take?




Will there ever be an end?

When will then end ever come?

WHO AM I ???????

Notice the small images inside the head - alters!

But who am I?

What am I?
Where do they all come from?
Where do they all hide?
How many are in there?
Answers.
Where are all the answers?

Friday, December 12, 2008

Confusion




Well at least it didnt rain today-so the body gets a rest.
But I am really tired and the body feels exhausted. They probably gave Kalisa some drugs. (big sigh) ;(

My mind feels really confused also. That is a part of DID -especially when there is a back and forth switching of alters. It is even hard to think.
I wish the weather would be about in the low 70's. I can handle that.
I just do not have any energy - none- zilch!!!!

The confusion is just toooo bad right now.



Left Staked out in the Rain


This is Kalisa's pic she drew about yesterday.
It rained yesterday -sometimes really hard. I know I lost the afternoon and from 6-12 mn last night .
You really cant see her pic very well.
But on the right the blue area Kalisa is laying there- she was staked down, naked, after being blind folded.
She then said the baddeds boyses did-ed dos baddeds fings toos hers.
Then they left her lay out in the rain like that for awhile.
It was cold out there yesterday!
I guess that is why I have a cold and my back hurts really bad. Also have a cut- rather bad one- on one toe. That is bad for this body - it has diabetes.
Kalisa was so happy the day before this. Had gotten to see her special person and had ice cream with her and was in such a good mood.
I saw what the littles wrote on here.
They do do that once in awhile. Banish the adult alters to wherever- usually a cave.
Also the bad alters do that.
I feel so tired and need peaceful, restful sleep. But that never happens when you have to sleep with one eye opened all the time to make sure there isnt anyone coming in to get you or trigger you and then rape and hurt you.
When will this ever stop?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Clean Up Crew

I see that the "Littles" are only going to let me out when needed!
They have clogged the kitchen sink/garbage disposal and need it unclogged!
They did a really good job at it!
A whole jug of drain opener- to unclog 20 pipes- didnt open it.
So I guess I am off to the store to get some red devil lye if they still sell that!
Just might have to get some donuts!
I noticed that if you are a damaged goods person you dont get any answers about any kind of help from one person.
For a person who says she wants to help with stopping the abuse and such - she needs to remember that it starts with a person like herself - someone to help stop the hurt that the abused person feels/felt.
Which is more important?
The person who needs the help now or the possibility that someone might read a blog and think about doing something?
Well I have to go and undo a "Littles" thing - I hope this isnt the beginning of something new in "my" life. Cleaning up after littles.
I am not use to children. - E

The Littles

We are doing OK by ourselves.
There are some bigs out there that say they are safe bigs but us older littles do not trust them. They are the ones that put us on a psych ward when we didnt need to be there.
All of us were aware of that little episode.
Kalisa just needed some therapy time with her therapist and things would have been OK.

And then we would not be left hanging as we are today.
Things would be different and Kalisa would not be so lost and alone.
She feels betrayed and abandoned once again.
Like a broken doll- someone picks it up and starts to fix it but then just lets it go and it is broken once again - only this time a little bit more broken and harder to fix the next time around.
One of these times that doll is going to shatter and there will not be any fixing left to be done.

But we are in control now - we have done away with all the bigs - and we are not going to let any outside bigs hurt us ever again!
This body may not have long to live so us littles are going to enjoy the time it has left here. And we dont care what anybody says!
We fooled them before and we can fool them again!

No one really cares. People just use words - just like they use other people.
If they really cared they would show it.
We havent talked to another big for over a week. That shows how much bigs "care" about you.
WE could be laying here dead and no one would know because no one cares enough to see if you are OK.

And that is the way of life that this body only knows.
Words - not actions.
The only actions are actions of hurt - both physical and emotional.
No actions of love, trust or real caring.
WE only have each other. There is no one else.
WE are OUR only family and friends.

People say they are your friend but when it comes down to it - they arent there for you when you need a "friend".
And then there are other people who make excuses as to why they cant come around even though you know they are just making up excuses - they could be there for you if they really, truly cared about you. Once again - just words - no actions.

So when something happens to this body - no one will miss it let alone care that something happened to it - that it no longer exist. That is really sad.

Whys

Dis Kawesa
Beff-knees justeds tell-wids mees eyes nots getteds nuff-fings fors
Kiss-miss.
Alls eyes askeds fors was my friends she calleds mees ons de wittles phonses and she makeds mees new storys tapes.
She sayeds nos she nots doeds dats nos mores.

She bees toos busys wiffs her new friends. She getteds ons de wittle tb fings whens she getted ups and stayeds ons deres tills she goeds a beds ats nights. She nots habes nos timeses fors mees, or Nemos or Woo-cees or Winus or Shoulders or ebens Bry-ins. She bees justeds toos busys wiffs de wittle tbs fings. Dats makeds mees bees berry berry saddeds. Eyes crwhyeds a berry wonged timeses whens Beff-knees tell-wids mees dats.

My friends sayeds dats she lubs mees. Butts ifs she wheely lubs mees she nots hurteds mees and makeds me crwhys. She nots cares ifs de baddeds menses getteds mees. Ifs eyes wistens toos hers storys tapes dens eyes nots hears de baddeds menses and den eyes stayeds safests.
Sews she nots careds ifs eyes getteds hurted by de baddeds menses.

Eyes heareds de doc-ers. Dey tell-wids Wiz-biffs dats my hearts bees wheels
sickeds and dats eyes mights getteds deadeds soons. Eyes tell-wids my friends dats and she nots ebens cares. Wizz-biffs askeds hers ifs she comes toos bisits for we getteds deadeds and she sayeds nos.

Eyes bees sews confuseds. Eyes foughts she lubs mees. She tell-wids mees dats one timeses.
Sews nows eyes nebers habes a kiss-miss ebers agains.

Hurt

Littles learn what hurt is before anything else.
Physical as well as emotional hurt.
And that is one thing that there seems to be an ever endless supply of.

Promises are the other thing - falls in the same category. A promise to them is the same as a hurt. Sometimes it just hurts more depending on who made the promise.

Lies are the same as promises and hurts. Littles dont want to hear what you think they want to hear - they want to hear the truth. Because the truth is better to hear and hurt then to hear a lie and be hurt by the lie.
The lie just makes trusting more difficult .

And trust - they give a person their trust - to a little giving a person their trust is the same as taking their heart and laying it on a plate and saying "Here -take it."

When that trust is broken it is the same as a lie and all the hurt in the world. To find out once again that you are only someone else's throw away garbage.
Unwanted, unloved, neglected, used, mentally abused.

Like the infant in a crib that is not nurtured - not touched - not talked to - not held - not caressed - just there - just there waiting to be hurt once again because that is all they have ever known in their short little lives.
posted by Carey - a little

Sunday, December 7, 2008

MY TURNSES

Dis is Kawesa
Dere bees nos mores bigs louds outs. Only wittles.
Biggses bees nos goodeds. Deys wies tos wittles.

Eyes foughts dats a bigs bees my friends and dens she habes mee putteds ins jails. Deys wockeds mees ups and madeds mees takeds offs my crows-es.

She sayeds dats she gennas takes mees for ice cremes and dens she too busys talkeds toos ebery bodies elses heres ons de wittle tb fings - she tell-wids mees she nots feels goodeds toos talkeds toos any bodys buts she wieds tos mees.
She justeds nots wants tos talkeds tos mees.
She bees talkeds toos ebery bodys elses wrights nows.

She sayeds dats she gennas gibes mees a wetters and dens she gibes ebery bodys elses wetters butts nots mees.

Eyes ebens madeds hers a picsures. Sees.

Eyes madeds utter picsures toos.





Eyes nots doeds nuff-fings toos hers toos makes hers maddeds ats mees.
Eyes bees a goodeds grwhirls.
Eyes nots helpeds dats de baddeds boyses getteds mees and doeds baddeds fings toos mees.
Eyes gibes hers my kiss-miss wists and eyes finkeds she nots wanteds my wists. My wists nots ebens makeds hers useds hers doll-wers.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Littles On the Loose !!!!!!!





Hi! Guys! Guess what? NO MORE BIGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Thats right - no more bigs!




We got rid of all the bigs and put them where they cant get out and get to us.










Only us littles here. We are in charge now.




And we are not going to let Kalisa be hurt by broken promises

She has suffered enough.

She is only 4 years old and a big should not tease her by making her promises and then go back on them.










So we are in charge now and no bigs allowed!




We even have a new set of rules to go by. And anyone who does not follow them will be put away with the no good for nothing bigs.

NEW LITTLES RULES

1. All littles will follow ALL rules or be put away with the bigs
2. NO BIGS allowed ever
3. No teasing Kalisa
4. All littles will help each other
5. DO NOT TRUST ANY BIGS INCLUDING THERAPISTS
6. Do not trust police or firemen they lie to littles
NEW RULES WILL BE ADDED WHEN THEY ARE NEEDED
We are now in charge of everything and we will not listen to what bigs have to say. They ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED EVER !!!!!! THEY LIE !!!!





Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Signs of Perps




I thought we had been safe the last few days. I didnt think Kalisa was out.
But by the feeling of the body - the perps had her and I think were quite rough.




I had to cancel my yearly physical with the dr. I couldnt go after this sexual assault. I am hurting way too bad. I dont know if she (my dr) really believes me on DID and what is presently going on.
I know that my use to be therapist knows - I wish she would relay that bit of info so I know how to handle my dr's reaction to me and my DID and present perp activity.

I took dog out Sunday night around midnight - there actually was a patrol car sitting in the parking lot across the street from where I potty the dog. I dont know if it was a "safe" cop or a "perp" cop. But I was up all night and nothing happened.

Two nights ago while I was on the computer - which sits right under the window of a side porch - around 2 AM there was someone outside the window-
panting quite loudly! I wasnt imagining it because the dog heard it also and started to growl. I think that is only the 2nd time I have every heard the dog growl!

I dont know if that is a trigger - they cant see in that window - it has an AC unit in it so there is a piece of ply wood above the AC unit that is as tall as me and then mini blinds and a curtain! So it probably was a trigger - but it didnt work!
Not that time anyways!

They (the perps) have so many ways to get Kalisa out. And being only 4 yrs old - the toys, ice cream and candy do work. Or saying that they are going to kill the dog or a friend is also a trigger. But I dont know how to undo the triggers.
Kalisa is so very vulnerable to them! She is so innocent!

Kalisa would like to tell about this past episode of perp activity - I do not type for her - another little does - for the sake of the readers she will not put it in"Kalisa language" - her 4 yr old version.




" The baddeds men gets me. They takeds me too the little cabin. When we getteds there they called me baddeds names and hit me with their hands on the butt after they madeds me takeds offs my clothes. There is a little bed madeds on the floors. There be stapes on the little beds. They takeds the straps and putteds them rounds my feets and hands like this. (she was strapped at the ankles and wrists-all corners of the mattress)
Then they did that special pee on my belly (they masturbated on her stomach)



Then one of the bigger boys putteds his penis in me. He madeds me getteds hurted down there. He pusheds and pusheds really hards. He madeds me crys and then he called me a cry baby.

Then he getted ups and say that he genna puts my feets in the fires. He pulled me over by the fires and picked ups my feets and held them close to the fires.

I screamed. Then the other boy putteds his hands over my mouth so I could not scream. Eyes bees sews scareds (I be so scared) There be no bodies to helps me. I be all alones.

The the big baddeds mans comeds in the cabins and he sees whats the baddeds boys are doing. He hollered at them and they throw my down on the floors. He tells them to leave and they all leave.

The baddes mans tells me to get in the sprinklers (shower). I getteds in the sprinklers. Then he grabbeds mees out of the sprinklers and putteds me on the little beds and he putteds his penis in me. It hurts really really baddeds. But I trieds really hardeds nots to crys - if you crys then you getteds hitteds with the belts. I nots wants to getteds hitteds with the belts.
Then he telleds me to getteds dressed. I putteds my clothes on and then he telleds me to getteds in the cars and he takeds me to my houses.

I getteds outs the cars and goes in my houses. I called my friend cuz I wants to goeds to her new houses cuz it be safest there but she not talkeds to mees
She be saddeds. Maybees a morrows she talkeds toos mees.
Then I goeds to beds buts I nots goeds to sleeps. The baddeds mans might come back so I have to stay awake."

That is her description of the latest perp attack- those are her words and her drawings of what happened to her. In the one pic - it is the first where she use magazine pics and drew on the pic as well. Interesting. What what a therapist would have to say about that. Guess I will never know.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

BACK FROM HELL - TRIGGER WARNING

TRIGGER WARNING !!!


Well Thanksgiving was no different then any other day.






Those creeps got ahold of Kalisa and had her till late last nite.
I dont know what they all did to her but I do know that she was very sick for the night and this AM.
I am sooooo tired of this. Sometimes I think I would just be better if they just did her in and then this would be over with. I am loosing my will power and I think most of hers is gone.




I am trying to think of a good reason to keep living this life of hell.




No one really cares. They are all caught up in their own thing.





Is there a word that describes beyond deep depression































Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Back Gound History

Some early back ground history of this host body.

I, Elizabeth, am NOT then host. She went "into hiding" over two years ago and an adult had to take over and it just happened to be "my job".
I learned through therapy all alters have a specific job just for them.
Such as Charlie is the "I want to die" alter and Kalisa is the 4 yr old alter who took and still takes the physical abuse (mostly rape from the perps) - I am the adult alter who's job is to take over when the host of this body DIDed out and an adult was needed. But I know most of her story up till the age of 4 when Kalisa came into being.

That is what I am going to post here - the beginning of the end
She was born in March, the 2nd daughter. A boy was wanted - not a girl.
Her father extremely disappointed. She was not really neglected as an infant but not really given love so there was no real bonding with her parents or sister who was almost 2 year older. The sister was a blue-eyed blond, a little princess.
She was born with a head full of coal black hair and brown eyes.
Her mother always said she looked like a little monkey when she was born. It was not repeated time and time again in a silly little way but in a very serious descriptive way. Her mother didnt want any more children but her father wanted a boy - but wah-lah!!! There she was! Not wanted by her parents or her sister who was jealous of her.
When I find some baby pics I will put them on here. There is one where she is 9 months old sitting in a high chair with both arms bandaged-from the hands to the elbows. Her mother told her that she was learning to pull herself up (should have been doing that before that age) and she grabbed ahold of a hot water pipe-burned her hands. If she burned the palms of her hands - why then is so much of her arms bandaged? Lied to her even after she was an adult about this. To this day she still doesnt know what really happened.

Oh they feed, bathed and put her down on the floor to learn to crawl and walk by herself. No yeas when she learned any of those baby achievements. She was just there.
Then a year and a half later - she was forgotten. Just there. The boy her parents - or should I say her father wanted - was born. So now they had their little blue-eye blond and their boy. And really forgotten when the 2nd boy came along a year later. And then there was last but not least - the baby of the family- another blond but no blue eyes girl.

The older sister was jealous of her. When she was 3 the older sister put her in a doll cradle and pushed her down a flight of stairs in the cradle - at the bottom of the stairs there was a closed door. She went through the door. It was a hollow door. I dont know if she was hurt from that - but she did get her first whipping from her father. He didnt use his belt on her - that started around 5 yrs old. He just would pull down her pants and smack her butt so hard with his hand that I am sure the neighbors heard her little yells and cries through the walls of the house! He said the broken door was her fault - so she was the one to be punished for it. And that continued till she moved out of the house at the age of 18. Everything was always her fault. And her father would not listen to her-he even said he didnt what to hear any excuses from her- it was her fault and she did it!

By the age of 4, she was responsible for watching her brothers and sister. And nothing better happen to those 2 boys! Her little sister wasnt born till she was almost 6 yrs old and had started school. And after the little sister was born and old enough to toddle along - all she heard from her mother was "she's the baby, let her go with you " or "she's the baby, let her play with you". And if she didnt- her father would hear about it and out would come the belt!

By the age of 4, Kalisa appeared. She is the 4 yr old alter that appeared and that then took the sexual abuse and still is today.

The perps back then must have recruited younger boys and taught them what to do to trigger her and this has been going on for 50 years. The therapist thinks they use Kalisa as a "teaching tool" to teach the younger boys what and how to trigger her. And still do the same today.
Kalisa did not "come out" for the first 6 months of therapy. She did not reveal what was being done to her for about another 3 months. Then she drew pictures. When ask by the therapist what the pictures where - that is when the true story of her beginning unfolded.
Here is one of her very first pictures. It is a picture of a man "baddeds manses"





(remember Kalisa has a habit of making everything pleural) at the top of a staircase.


Kalisa said that a badman would take her down in the "darkeds" (basement) and sometimes there would be a "little beds" or a mattress and he would "play games" with her. And she told the therapist she didnt like those games.





Or sometimes he would take her to a shed or they would go some place in the car.




Sometimes she would draw pictures that had more then one "baddeds menses" (men) in it . When ask by the therapist who they were -Kalisa would tell her they were all bad men. And they all did the same thing to her. She would say they made her play that game she didnt like.
Yes at the age of 4 - they started to gang rape her.

Back then she was tired to the edge of a work bench while they raped her, staked to the ground and rape her (they still do that today) and anything else they could think of.








And try and tell her parents! Right !!!!!! Like they would listen to her. It was a seen and not be heard household- most of all for her.

She learned real fast if she knew it was something bad and she would get punished for it - dont say anything. Keep it to yourself or you would get "the belt"! And the belt was mainly used on her - the 2 boys never were hit with the belt and her little sister. She only remembers one time her older sister was hit with the belt and the sister was 16 yrs old at that time. So this poor little girl , 2nd born, responsible for 3 siblings at the age of 4, was really the only child that"the belt" was used on by her father.






And he must have gotten it from some where. Maybe the perp- the perp would use a belt on her if she didnt do as she was told.





Kalisa's one drawing is nothing but a belt on the page.






After Kalisa opened up to the therapist she told the therapist that the baddeds mans would also tell her ( and Kalisa would shake her finger when she said this)

"Nos crwyings, yous nots awouds toos makes nos noises" . That is in Kalisa language - translated is - "No crying, you are not allowed to make any noise". That is what he would say to her as he raped her.
Well I am tired- so that is all for now.

Kalisa Acting Out

Kalisa has her own way of acting out. She does do drawings, collages and recently she has been acting out on her fluff page.
To give her "time" on the computer she has a fluff and plays a couple of games on here.
Her fluff pic lately has represented some of her weekends when taken by the perps. Others have expressed how she must feel at the time the pic is made.
Some of them are rather dreary.
I will have to get her fluff address - her fluff is a frog named "baby silbesters"
She named him after a friend that has a zen garden with a little frog in it named Silvester.

Kalisa has been in and out all day today. She is very restless and frightened.
I cant get anything done around here when she does that. And she gets control over the body - she is stronger.

Butterflies

Butterflies- Kalisa's signature. Every picture she makes that is a happy picture she has butterflies on it. And if she emails or writes a "wetter" is has butterflies.

The other day when someone was in here and they messed with my computer -they put a butterfly screen saver on here - every 5 mins. Really nice screen saver- but I wonder if it is to be a trigger for her. That would be a really bad one because I am on here a lot - usually start around 5-6 PM and here till 3-4 AM or longer. Dont sleep any more at night- unless the body is so exhausted then I take sleeping pills. They sometimes dont work but when they do I am knocked out really good.

That really would suck if they are using butterflies to get her to come out.

Raining

It is raining. Kalisa is petrified right now. Rain is a trigger for her. She knows
when it rains she is usually taken by the "badded boyses" and raped .
I cant stop her or them.
She has a stronger personality then me and can just take over and come out if there is a trigger. She was just out and went back in and is trying so hard to stay inside.

But my head hurts so bad with her trying not to come out- I dont think I will be able to stay out and in control - I feel that at any minute I am going to loose the battle - that means she will be taken out in the cold and the rain.
I hope they dont drop her off in the city if they take her tonight. She can never find the "boo door" (blue) of the one person she knows in the city - a safe person to her.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Space Cadet !

Guess there was someone out yesterday and today and I didnt even realize it!

Tried to join on twitter and I guess I did and then I didnt remember the user name! After a friend found it for me, she emailed it!
Dont remember the ending of joining that .
I dont think anyone went any where.

It seems lately that when I take my pain medication (have MS, arthritis, multiple tumors on my spine and presently a kidney stone) the mixture of the pain pill and the DID are really tripping me out!
That never happened before. I wonder what is up?

I know Charlie was out a couple of times lately. He is not an alter that needs to be out. I will have to find some of his art work. He is my "I want to die" alter.
I think he is in his 20's or something like that. Bad character. Needs to stay where ever he hides and permanently forget about coming out










That is just some of the firsts of Charlie's art work. His message of his job is quite clear. And he tried really hard there for a bit. Hasnt been out for a while. Thought maybe he went away.


Kalisa stayed in today which was nice. I was not up to a 4 yr old today. She found some more of her toys. I still have some things packed from moving. I just had too many surgeries right after moving and not permitted to lift over 10 lbs - so the unpacking just isnt getting done. And also I figured out that since I really dont like it here - it means that if all the stuff is unpacked then it is a more permanent thing living here. So I guess that has something with the unpacking.


Sometimes he (Charlie) keeps me awake at night - I stay up all night . Dont go to bed-something bad might happen if I do. He isnt as aggresive now as he was when he made himself first known.

But depression does that to you. You just have something extra to handle then other depressed people - they dont have alters to keep them busy.

Well the brain just isnt working too good today.Too much noise going on up there. They need to settle for the night so I can go to bed.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Thank You

This portion of my blog is dedicated to my therapist or I should say the therapist I had. She is on medical leave herself and most likely will not be coming back.
Being a nurse, I know how many times I wish I had heard those two little words- Thank you. But you never got the recognition of the work or help done by being thanked.

So this is a Thank You to the person who helped me find out where those lost minutes went.
The person who showed me how to handle the hand that was dealt me - me who was unwanted and casted aside.
A person who had healed herself and who now unselfishly was giving and teaching others how to heal. She is a healer and she doesnt even know it.
She helped the broken to be restored and what was once lost be found.
The pain, fear, trust and hope destroyed by another human she understands and worked so diligently and gently to undo what had been done to me as a small child.

She showed her concern in many ways that even my own family didnt. She believed me. She stood up for me in some very difficult times. She tried to help when others didnt or wouldnt. She was always there when I needed to talk to her. She really cared. And that meant alot to me. No one ever was concerned about me before.
I was just left to care for my other siblings - forgotten and unwanted - a 4 year old who had to be an adult, robbed of her childhood, abused, neglected, never knowing what it is like to be loved or to be safe.

She showed me that you can be safe and that you life is worth living. She showed me that you can trust again. She opened up my heart to a whole new and different world.

And even though my abuse is still on going, she taught me that there is still hope - hope that one day people will believe what is really happening to
me and others, hope that one day I will be safe and able to live a life that I have never known in saftey, hope that I will heal from all the abuse and trust others one day, hope that the life I know now will be in my past forever and most of all , not to give upon hope - that there is always hope.

So when my depression gets really bad and things look extremely bleak to me - I remember her words about hope and the times she rescued me from myself and told me that there are people who do care about me and that my life is worth living.

DID is not an easy thing to handle. She knows that and understands.
She is going to greatly missed not only be me but others that she has helped to heal.

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you have done for me. It has all been greatly appreciated more then you know.
I wish for you a speedy recover from all you medical problems and that you will soon be back to your old self.

You are very special person. Not many people can do what you do.

Thank you and please take care of yourself. I wish you all the luck in the world and a wonderful and beautiful future for you.

Elizabeth, Kalisa and all the others

Lost in the Cold

I know that Kalisa was "out" last night.
Not only "out" DID wise but also out in the cold.
At least "they" the perps dont take her to the barn when it is this cold but to the "wittle cabins" as Kalisa calls it.
They didnt keep her over night but dumped her off in the city at night.
How she ends up back home I dont know.

I do know that she once again was looking for a friend's house. The one with the "boo" (blue) door. She didnt find it but it looks like she called her on the "wittle phones". (cell phone)

She must not have been very cooperative for them. Her punishment for that is they give her a laxative before dumping her off somewhere. I guess if they cant "enjoy her" then she cant enjoy anything. So they make her life miserable even if she isnt around them.

This body once again has a cold. I guess this winter it will always have one. This apartment is cold and with them taking her out in the cold and dumping her off on such a cold night - it is not surprising.
I wish they would let her alone. My health is failing and I dont know how much "cold" it can handle till I have pneumonia.

I dont know what all they gave her - I know they gave her a laxative but they must have given her something else - the mind is not clear and cant think straight right now.


I know with all the medication I take that it is so easy for them to slip her something. I checked the bottles the other day. There are bottles that should be full that now only have a few pills in them. So it looks like they helped themselves to refill their supply. There are also bottles themselves missing.
I wonder if they have Kalisa bring the bottles to them -

The chain was off the back door this AM when I went to take the dog out. And she wouldnt eat anything this AM - I noticed that her food in the frig was less then what I remembered when I put it in last night.

To bad they didnt put all these books back on the 3 bookshelves! I am in the process of moving them so there are about 300 books laying around right now. And I dont have the energy to finish that right now.
I get so tired of this!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

3 AM Creeps

I dont think there has been a nite this week that there have not been prowlers outside my place.
Tonight they have a new tactic - if you want to call it that.

I have a little side porch which has an outside door to this room. This is an old house so the rooms are a little on the weird side and even more so since they split the place up into apartments. I use the porch to store outside stuff since I do not have a little shed or such to store things. (shovel, rake, hose, etc)
Well tonight whoever must want Kalisa - she was out playing her games on here and when she heard the person/persons out on the porch she went into her panic mode and tried to send an email to a friend of hers in hope that that person would keep her mind occupied and off the perps outside. But that person had just signed off for the night!
She didnt know what to do.

They were trying something new - knocking very quietly on the outside door which is only 3 ft from this computer! That door on this side is blocked by a triple dresser.
I guess they couldnt see in the window - there are mini blinds up but tonight I hung curtains over them! All windows are now in the "unable to see inside" mode! Guess the perps dont know what to do about that.
But Kalisa did take a flash light and went outside to look at the porch!
She is so trained to respond!

But I guess when they heard the back door open they fled! That door sticks really bad since they put some rubber insulation around it - there was an inch gap at the bottom and about a quarter in gap on the side - so the maintenance man made it really tight and now it is hard and noisy to open. So a person could hear that door being opened and has time to run!

But they came back! Not once but twice! But Kalisa did not go out to them!
Yahhhh for her! That is a first!
They are so annoying!

They have taken a toy of hers in the past and then come back the next night or weekend (most happens on the weekends) and stand on the other side of the door and taunt her till she opens the door for them and then they either take her or in the past before moving here - did whatever they wanted right there in the house!

The dog barks when they are around - she does not like them. And she is a dog that likes anybody and goes to everyone - but not them. They must have hit her or did something that she is afraid of them.

At least they have left the 4 baby redfooted tortoises alone. They are in a very large "condo" - so they are caged and not out and about. But next summer 2 of them will be old enough to be out for awhile during the day.

They only seem to come around after dark right now. The day time visits have stopped. There are new neighbors and that lady with small children are home all day and in and out of their house. So the day time events have ceased for now. That is good - I guess.

I just hate the "lost time". Kalisa does not like to talk about when they take her and what they have done to her. Sometimes I can tell and guess some of what was done to her because of the aches and pains that the body experiences afterwards. Or the bruises that I find that I dont remember getting. Like ones around the wrists or ankles that you can tell that she was tied up.
This is a picture that Kalisa drew after being taken and tied up outside in the woods. The perp also had a bat or club of some kind and told Kalisa if she didnt do as they ask they would hit her.

At least the last time they took her they didnt take her to the barn! They took her to a one room log cabin. That is the way she described it. She said they left her there and she stayed warm by "throwing sticks in the fires". She knew if she kept the fire going she would be warm and she said that there were a "piles of sticks insideds the cabins".
She is trying to come out right now. I guess I should stop and go to bed for awhile. If she comes out she wont sleep. She just lays there in bed trying not to hear what is going on outside. Sometimes she plays a storybook tape - it is a tape of her friend reading some of her story books to her. It does help her to listen to the story rather then the outside noises.
Some nights the tapes have "saved" her from the perps.


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Computer & perps

I hate those perps! I know exactly what I would do if I got a hold of them!
They would be maimed for life!


They like to mess with my computer! They do it by remote access. My desk top is really messed up because of them and now they are messing with this little laptop that a friend was so nice to give me. (She got a new pink one for Christmas last year)


I just spent a half an hour on the phone to Comcast. My main email address would not let me sign in! The guy at comcast gave me a new pass word and then he was able to access it from his end but I still could not sign in. After he had me do a few other things to settings I was then able to sign in.


They also messed with a home site on face book. It was not mine but a gaming friend's homepage - they deleted all their info on their home page! That was last nite. but this AM my gaming friend cked her page and the info was back!

This is the kind of things they have been doing to me for at least the last three years.
They would access the remote access and then find out where I was going if I had sent someone an email and then follow me. Or know if I was at home and come and use a trigger to get Kalisa to come out.


The Assistant District Attorney office got involved with my case when the local police department didnt help me with people coming into my house when I wasnt home. It was obvious that someone was in the house-things would be moved and they even ate my food! The dog and cats would not greet me at the door if someone had been in the house and the chain latch would be unlocked.


My desk top computer was taken to the District Attorney's office to see if they had left anything on the computer. They had it for at least 3 months
When it was returned I was told they didnt find anything on it.
But why would they! The District Attorney was just recently charged with being a pedophile!
So if there was anything on my computer that the pedophiles left on it - I am sure it was removed permantently and I will never know if something was there.


This is just one thing more that I have to put up with on a daily bases.
My health is failing. I dont think the heart procedure did what it was suppose to do. I now have to take extra medicine so I can just sit here at the computer so my hands will work.
I dont sleep at nite because that is when "they" prowl around the apartment I moved into in May.


I had the police out here at 12:45 AM 2 nites ago.
There is an outsidet trap door the leads down to a dirt cellar. I cant put a lock on it because there is a gas meter that needs read monthly by the gas company.
There is an inside door from that cellar that leads up into the room I am now sitting in. I have a bookcase infront of the door. There is not a lock on the door and the landlord will not put one on it.


Two nites ago I noticed a light shining above the bookcase after I turned off the room light. It was midnight and there should have not been a light on down there. The meter man had been here the week before.
So I called the police. They did come faster then the other police department.(I moved to a different township)
They cked out the cellar and turned off the light. They said no one was down there but they think that someone may have been "scoping out" the place and come back.


I think they have already been in here. My camera and a few other items are missing. The items were not all taken at the same time. I
I have changed the locks on the doors.
But this doesnt seem to stop them. The last house I had replaced the locks so many times - I have a door knob collection that I really dont want!

Why cant they just leave me alone!
There is one person who wont even come to my houswe because of them!(perps)
That is theyonly person who believes me - about the DID.
I have absolutely no support from anyone on this - DID.

My therapist took medical leave and doesnt know if she will be coming back to work. I tried to get into another therapist and there just arent that many around that work with DID. There is a 6 to 12 month waiting list.


My psychiatrist "fired" me! Yeah -she "fired" me! She was so rattled that my 40 min appointment lasted 10 mins! She doesnt believe in DID. And she said she "couldnt work with me so I am firing you. OOOPs! I mean I am discharging you from my service because I just cant work with you".


That is exactly what she said. I had only been going to her for the following of medication and my family dr wanted me to go back to her because of all the surgeries I had had and new meds -so I went. After filling her in on the DID stuff- that was when she got rattled. And she thinks she cant handle just hearing about what I go through! She should live just one weekend of my life!
Then she would have something to be rattled about!


So besides just handling the DID and Kalisa can be a handful sometimes - there are other parts of my life that these creeps mess with - and then there is the no support and the non-believers in the professional world - such as the drs and police departments and their superiors. They follow under the "no help" list.


So how is a person to "heal" when all of this is going on every single day?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

"littles"

"Littles" at times just seem to pop out when they want to before you learn how to control them or teach them that it is not OK to just appear when they want to.
I really only have one little-Kalisa -who does that. She sometimes just takes over the body. She use to do that alot in therapy sessions as she grew fond of the therapist and learned to trust her.
Now she comes out when she wants to play (she has been provided with her own toys) or sometimes in the toy section of a store. She at one time thought about coming out while driving - that was brought to a very quick halt- and also in dr offices as she thought there was no need to be there and wanted to go home.

I do have other "littles" but they stay inside. They have made their presence known in therapy and through their own art work. But Kalisa is the only one who comes out and has her own personality outside in the world.

She trusts no one. She did trust one person not long ago - but that trust has vanished as that person is basically gone from her life. And that caused her to regress and any undoing of triggers and the very little bit of healing that may have been happening has ceased. She has reverted to her old ways - # 1 rule - trust no one #2 every one lies to you #3 all "bigs" (adults) can not be trusted - funny how she has 2 no trust rules for herself .
She still comes out to play and stays out sometimes longer then she should but her thinking as well as mine is - so what. The "badded" people will still get "us" - they have their ways and they know now that they can get to Kalisa alot easier then before. She has given up trying to be safe because her one and only reason for trying to be safe no longer exist for her. She has no reason to want to be safe. She feels she has no need to be safe. She just doesnt care any more.
She has know from her beginning she was never wanted and that no one cared about her or what happened to her. She said in her own 4 yr old way that her life has not changed any - people make promises and dont keep them, people say words and really dont mean them. People you learn to trust just leave you and dont want to hear what is going on in your life or want to talk to you or with you. You are once again lost and forgotten.
It seems like it is a never ending cycle of the lost and forgotten.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Lies of Trust

Trust. That is something that "we" do not know. Along with being safe.
People tell you "things" . Sometimes it is just what they think you want to hear and they are not being truthful. You can tell that they are not telling the truth - you seem to have this radar that lets you know.

Who do you trust? No one. That is the safest way to live as a DID person.
You begin to trust a person and then find out that they are only saying things to pacify you. Good way to teach a person NOT to trust you.
And dont count on promises. That word does not exist in my world.

The DID world is am empty, lonely world. You are forgotten. Family and friends treat you like a leper or pretend that you do not exist.
With my medical conditions I could fall over dead at any time and I would lay here for days before some one would think to maybe- and I say maybe think about checking on me. The maggots probably would have already set up household when some one would come by to "see me".

You are not only lonely but also alone. A definite setup for depression.

daily reminders 11.14.08

It seems no matter how hard you try and get away from anything that reminds you that you are a "DID" victim - something - something every day is there to remind you of what you have been robbed of.


No harm intended - but someone reminded me that the new James Bond movie started today. I would love to go and see it - but I cant.

I cant because I cant go into the dark movie theater - all I know is that something happened once in a dark place similar to a movie theater and I am reminded of a trauma that took place in my early years.

What it is exactly - I do not remember. Just that something terrible happened and I cant sit in a movie theater with someone behind me or the possibility of someone walking up behind me in the dark.

Simple every day things like this - DID victims are robbed of the pleasure that other people take for granted. Going to the store is a chore - I hate shopping.
I have been followed to the store , inside the store and back out again by perps.


Even have a picture of one of the perps.
This pic along with the license plate # of the car he was in - along with a pic of the car was given to the police department.
What happened after this was done? NOTHING !!!!!!!!

Absolutely nothing! I was then known as the "crazy lady". Even with my therapist verifying that this did happen (she was there and took the pics) the police still did not believe me that someone was following me let alone taking me (Kalisa) and raping me at their will.


Anything the police were told was heard with deaf ears.
I never received any help from the police department.

As a matter of fact along with medical personnel ( and I hate to admit it being a nurse myself and having worked in the hospital that I was taken to) the police person and the EMTs all stood at the nurses station of the ER I was taken to after being raped one night - stood laughing - yes laughing at me and making fun of me because I was just the "crazy lady" with the multiple personalities.
And this was done in such a loud manner that alot of other people around the area could easily hear what was being said.
This definitely violated my HIPPA rights. And not one person was reprimanded for this.


So not only are every day pleasures robbed from you but you also have to put up with the ignorance of people not knowing what DID is and the proper way to handle situations dealing with "littles" and other alter personalities of a DID person.


I dont know if other DID people find this happening in their lives. But this is how it seems my days go. I guess I just look at DID in my life as another medical problem to handle. Just one of the 30 some medical things that are wrong with this body. I guess I should be happy that there isnt a pill just for DID. That would mean another pill to swallow! That would be more to add to the 40 some pills and 2 shots a day that I take to stay alive!

Some days it doesnt seem worth the bother to swallow all them.
But that would be Charlie talking. He is my "you must die" alter. He has his own art work he has done. When I figure out what happened to the scanner then I can share some of his art work.

Oh well -

11.14.08 mad! mad! mad!

I AM MAD !
Really, really angry! To know that a person takes advantage of another person - especially when they have to resort to using DID to get what they want! That they do not have the courage themselves to use their own brain and act adult enough but prey on a person who has DID and use a 4 yr old personality to get their jollies!


"We" where taken again. Poor Kalisa! She is so terrified right now. She doesnt know who to trust. After what they did to her Halloween night and then taking her again and locking her in a cage.





Kalisa didnt have much to say this last time - she drew pictures and talked a little.


She said that they were going to "dumps mees in de bigs waters". By that she means they were going to throw her in the river.





This is the picture she drew. She said they went in a little boat and they picked her up and held her over the side of the boat.
They are so mean and cruel!


This time around they hepled themselves to my medication. Because of my medical problems I have pain pills and sleeping pills.
Kalisa said that they gave her "boo" ones - blue pills. That would be the sleeping pills. And then they gave her a little white pill. That could have been either a sedative or pain pill. So they sedated her to do whatever they wanted to do to her! The cowards!









This is MY art work of how I feel right now!
Not one of my better "anger" ones but my scanner quit on me.
The creeps!
I am not allowed to "state" on here what I would do to them if I got a hold of their bodies!