Friday, October 17, 2008

10.17.08 What's It Like to be Safe ?

I do not know if I ever will know what it is like to be safe or feel safe.
I dont sleep for days and then only take prescription sleeping pills so my body will shut down and get some rest.
Like right now - I went to bed and 30 mins later the dog is barking and someone is at the door.
But to call the police - they think that I am just a crazy old lady and not to be believed! I live on the main street of a little town but my back door is off a dark alley. No one is ever around out back and the windows between the houses are ideal for trying to get in. NO one sees between the houses-there is a closed doorway between them.

My body is tired and hurts so bad. I think back in August when I fell off the back of a U-haul truck and hit my head - I think I jarred the plate loose that the doc put in my head when he removed the two small brain tumors. They were growing on the lining on top of my brain and had not gone down into the brain itself. I was lucky - that is the part of the brain for speech.
But there is a big dent and the pain is really bad in that area.
Just what I need on top of DID!!!!!!

It looks like it is going to rain. Just about every time it rains the "badded boyses" come and get Kalisa. She even knows and fears the rain now. She has even gotten in the habit of calling a person ( no name will be mentioned) and telling her that it is going to rain or that it is raining at her house(Kalisa's) and cant she please come over to her house. She knows she needs to get out of her house and some place else when it rains so she will not be taken and abused.
Maybe it wont rain. If it rains all weekend - well that probably means another weekend of abuse.
I have no where to go to get away.

Supposedly there was an organization that was "helping" me.
Their term of help was to put me "away". They were going to have me put in a group home -basically locked up. I would have to give up my pets (my dog which is trained to let me know when someone is at the door and when the phone rings-I am hard of hearing and need bilateral hearing aids because of the MS-but do not have the funds to buy hearing aids) and my 4 baby red foot tortoises. These animals are my family.
People family have basically forgotten about me. Oh they call maybe once a month to see if I am still alive.

The only thing this organization did was to cause me alot of grief and make me loose daily computer contact with my therapist who was on medical leave.
So I had to tell them to mind their own business and leave me alone - I didnt want their "kind of help".

So I am back to being by myself - all alone with my animals and just the crazy lady that lives by herself - sees and hears things- dont mind her - she is just a little crazy!!!! (and dont worry about getting to her house fast -remember she is crazy and there really isnt anybody trying to get in!)

Several months ago Kalisa came out and stayed out for about a week. At that time I was still in contact with my therapist via computer.
She knew of my medical problems and Kalisa knows how to call her on the phone - which the therapist allowed her to call only if she had permission from a safe big to call the therapist. The therapist was the only safe big that Kalisa trusted. (Kalisa is the 4 yr old part)

The therapist grew concerned about Kalisa not taking the daily medications.
And eating. So she got together a couple of bags of groceries and phoned Kalisa and told her she was bringing her groceries. After the therapist got inside the house a knock came at the door.
There stood two huge policemen and two EMTs. They where there to take Kalisa (me) to the hospital. This had all been prearranged .
The trust the had been built up be the therapist was suddenly shattered!
I was put on the psych ward!!!!!!
But that was after I was locked up in a padded room in the ER.
I, Elizabeth come out after several hours of being locked up in that padded room in the ER. After the doc was informed that the 4 yr old part went"back in" and I , Elizabeth was out - and was quite capable of caring for myself - he was pissed!!! I ask to go home .
I was told no ! I was going to the psych ward ! I took up his time, he signed the paper ( court order) and I was staying! And he didnt care what the hospital paper said! I was locked up in that room and then for 2 days on the psych ward against my will!!!! I was kidnapped by that hospital!!!

And the staff DID NOT know what DID was - they did not know what to do with me - how to treat me or what to watch for!!!!!!!
Talked to 2 different shrinks - both asked the same exact questions and then I was released to go home!
What a farce!!!!!!!!

And the bad part about it was they kept asking Kalisa to take her clothes off!!!
Now why would a 4 yr old be upset with that question? I mean she only knows strangers to tell her to take off her clothes and then they raped her!!!!
Stupid question for her. But very traumatic!!!!! How totally asinine!!!

Well in a couple of hours I go to the family doc - yearly physical - what a laugh!
Been there so often that this shouldn't be necessary!!!
SO goes my life!!!
Unsafe, daily fear, extreme isolation, pain and suffering. My life as DID.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

10.15.08 POOR DOG

Cant sleep since Kalisa returned.
The poor dog is sick!
That hasnt happened in a long time! The badded boys use to make the dog and the 2 cats I had sick alot of times.
I guess that was to keep them busy else where while they did their thing with Kalisa.
I feel sorry for the poor animal! They are such cowards that they have to pick on a little 6 lb dog!
Nothing but cowards and bullies!
They also use to mess up my computer! They have this remote device and they would intercept emails and always know when I was on line!
And then they got a hold of my phone number! I had to give up my landline and go strictly to a cell phone!
No privacy - no life of my own!

10.15.08 Just Another Nite

Well, just another nite like the rest! For Kalisa that is.
I dont remember hearing a trigger but she did and came out and went with the "badded boyses" as she calls them.

She was crying when I came back out. She told me in her 4 yr old language - "Eyes tell-weds those badded boyses dats eyes genna froes ups and dey nots wistens toos mees and den eyes froed ups on dems. Den deys getted maddeds ats mees and called mees bi**h and cu**head (whats dats means?)"
So they brought her back here to the house.
So an over nite stay was out! Thank goodness for vomit!!!! It saved this body a nite of abuse!!!!!
She made a drawing - if I ever figure out how to put them on here I will revise the entries with the drawings she made. She usually does a drawing after each episode of being taken. Some are very graphic!

But this is what happens to this body - I, Elizabeth can be doing something and then there is a trigger that I am not aware of - I know of several sounds and smells that are triggers - and Kalisa comes out and goes with the "badded boys".

They have quit coming inside since August when a very kind person tried to help and it involved the police being here. So the "badded boyses" no longer trust this house as being a place for them to abuse Kalisa. They take her to a barn or a cabin and rape her repeatedly there. They make verbal threats of killing her, throwing her in the river, killing her friends or her dog. They take her toys from her so the next time they just say they have a toy of hers and she opens the door. She is a sharp cookie because she knows that toy is missing - so when they say they have it - remember she is only 4 yrs old- so she opens the door to get her toy back! They havent done that one for awhile. They are using triggers that I am not aware of or taking her when she goes out with the dog.

But at least tonight was a reprieve. Maybe they will let "us" alone for acouple of days.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bad Long Weekends 10.14.08

Well, I flunked adding pics to this site. Maybe one of these times I will get it right. Kalisa has drawings she had made from the weekends that she is taken and abused

There for awhile it was almost every day but a Monday. Now it is any day of the week. And new triggers have popped up.
But mostly now it is the weekends

Last Thursday thanks to the dog (Tierra a 6 lb black poodle) the perp was foiled!
I had gone to the grocery store late 10PM - I hate shopping- and I pulled up to the back door to unload the car - left the back door opened and the dog was standing there looking out.
Well a person ( by the outline a man) came walking up to me and about half way the dog started to really bark! Well the guy who lives above me and the man upstairs next door - both came looking because they know they dog doesnt bark unless someone is around. Well off ran ran the perp! Saved one night

Thank you Tierra! (dog's name)

But that didnt help that weekend. (2 weekends ago) Kalisa was trigged and taken Fri-Sunday night. One place she is taken is a barn. There she is raped repeatedly and abused. Left in the cold,dark barn by heself overnight.
If she is lucky they leave a blanket for her.

This past time it was a cold weekend. Before it got too dark she built a "hay house" to stay warm. At least that is what I get from her drawings.
If she is lucky she smuggles a cell phone which she calls the "wittle phoneses"
with her. She doesnt know how to dial a phone for help - the phone is programmed by voice. There is only one person she calls - only gets that person's voice mail- but it give Kalisa a sense of security hearing that person's voice and makes her feel a little safe when in such an unsafe place.

They left her there in the barn till Sunday night. They "de badded boyses" as Kalisa calls them - came and went and did as they please all weekend.
Kalisa because of the new medication for the heart - is all bruised up! This poor body looks like it was beat all over!

Kalisa's spirit is disappearing. She was just at a point where she was telling the "badded boyses" no she didnt want to play their games.
This past weekend they took her but brought her back after one after noon.
No spunk left in her - I dont know if that is why they brought her right back.

The triggers still work to get her out - but there isnt anything there to stop her.
Internal parts just seem not to be there. There is a feeling of total emptyness inside. This has happened before - but the emptyness feeling was not like this.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

10.7.08 LIES

This past weekend was a bad weekend.
Not for me,Elizabeth but for Kalisa the 4 yr old part.
She is the part that takes the weekly abuse that has been going on for 50 years.
Even after all these years the triggers have been passed on to the next generation of perps that have been taught what to do to trigger her.

Please excuse computer foul ups on my blog - I am a new-bee to all this. I am still exploring how to link to other pages so you can familiarize yourself to DID and the child abuse which is associated with it. So if one link to a page doesnt seem to work please look to see if there is another of the same - 2nd time around I got some of them right! Yeaaa!!!! for me!!!!! I am even going to get real brave and include some of Kalisa's art work. It shows "what" happened to her when they "the badded boyses" as she calls them- take her and abuse her.

But today is just an example of how people with DID are treated - even by doctors.
My therapist had to go on medical leave - so right now I am not going to a therapist. There are so few therapist who treat DID. And then there are doctors
who dont believe that it really exist! I would like them to live in my shoes for just one weekend! I think after that weekend they would go get educated in it!!!!

My family doc wanted me to go to a shrink - to follow my medications - I take about thirty different meds because of all my medical problems. This is a common thing for a shrink to do. So to make everyone happy I went today. I really dont know why I did go - I knew what was going to happen before I found the place!
The doc (female) came right out and said - "I dont think you have DID because there isnt any DID. I think you are making this up for attention and I dont know what your problem is. But you are accountable for your life and you need to start acting like a responsible adult."

My 40 min. appointment lasted 10 mins. I wasnt going to sit there and argue with her- isnt worth the precious minutes I have left to live. My medical conditions are rapidly going down hill and I do not have much time left here. So sitting in a dr office - especially one who doesnt believe you - I do not have time to waste on a person like that. And her attitude wasnt going to help me any.
I felt once again - I was being dumped onto a dr who did not want to have me as a patient.

Not the first time this has happened - after my therapist told me to find another therapist to go to because she did not have a return date - I went back to her office and there was not another therapist there that wanted to treat me.
I am not the typical DID client. Too complicated - takes up too much time and energy- dont want to be bothered with someone like her - dont have time for that.
That is pretty bad when they dont want you as a client just because they cant find a case study like you in a text book some where.
It all goes back to - lies. All lies.
But the bad part about this is adults lying to adults!
It is different when there was an adult telling a child a white lie as they call them -
No wonder a child learns really fast how not to trust an adult. Who is telling you the truth- who is lying to you to get to you to abuse you?
Not much difference to me when a therapist avoids even looking at you because they feel guilty because they turned you away and they KNOW that you need their help!
They are teaching that adult not to trust a therapist by their actions and the guilty look on their faces! Same goes with doctors! Not all of them.
Dont have time for that crazy lady - too complicated-takes up too much time- cant deal with her today! And their eyes roll!!!!!!
Do they think just because I have DID I am deaf and blind?
How do they know how they make me feel?
Did I ask for this ? NO !!!!!!!!!
Do I really want to have to go to therapy because of this? NO!!!!!!
I just want to be safe and stop what is being done to me and has been done to me for the past 50 years!!!!!!!!

How do I do this?
First I need a qualified therapist - one who believes that DID does happen and believes me - that is the important first step.........
then many minutes of work to follow.

But what do you do when there isnt any one out there to help you?
When you have DID you find out really fast who is really your friend.
I have none. When they heard that first I had MS - well I might as well be a leper!
Then when I told one person who I thought was a friend they found a brain tumor(more to come on that later- they were recently removed and no damage done) and that I had DID - well I might as well be six feet under because I have not heard from "a friend" in almost 3 years. Some friends- right?

And family - they arent any better. Just a crazy sister- and what are we going to do with her - "I cant take care of her - me neither" "Guess she'll have to go to a nursing home". "We can have her committed" and this is what you find out is being said.

DID is a lonely disease because everyone treats you like not only DID does not exist but you dont either.
It is a sad disease because of the way you are treated because no one understands what you are going through because they are not educated in it.
And also because you get "oh you are just making that up - that really didnt happen".

And then add multiple other physical medical problems to it.
Oh life can be so much fun!!!!!!!!!
You are told to build a support system - not only for DID - but I was told that for the MS also. You get "Oh but you look so good! You really dont have all that wrong with you!" Anyone can have my body for one day - bet you will give it back just after a few hours. Dont let the outside wrappings fool you!!!
It is the inside that is falling apart - not the outside!

So to the support system - it is called - what support system? Remember- I am treated as a leper. So how do you build a support system?
You have doctors you tell you you are full of sh***t, therapists who say they dont want to be bothered with you because you take up too much time and are too complicated - police departments who label you crazy, friends all deserted you and family calls once in awhile to see if you are still breathing. (Didnt even come to see me last week when I was in the hospital for heart surgery - come to think of it - they didnt call either while I was in the hospital.)

Depression is a part of DID - especially after you start remembering what had/has been done to you.
But life goes on.
But for this body - the next question is - will next weekend be like this past weekend?
I can only hope not. My body needs time to heal - I have had 5 operations in 10months. And what is being done to me is not helping the healing process from the surgeries.
Well, enough venting - all caused by that dr visit today!
I am going to post this and then go back and try and put some of Kalisa's art work of this weekend on it - if I can figure how to do it!

I will do as the sites I recommend for reading on DID and child abuse -about triggers-what is seen or read can possibly cause a trigger. So go slow- be careful and be safe!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

10.3 The Forgotten Wounded Child

My story really begins when I am four years old.
But I will start with today - I an 54 years old and I have DID.
Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I am a nurse by trade - 35 years but am no longer working due to a rather lengthy list of medical problems. Just had heart surgery this week.
I stopped working almost 3 years ago after going to my primary doctor and complaining about "loosing time".
I would loose the whole weekend and not remember anything that happened. My car would be moved and the gas tank empty. Things would be laying around that were bought at stores - and I had no memory of buying them.

For two years my primary doctor kept telling me she wanted me to see a psychiatrist. I was still working at this time. I finally gave in and went to one. She was very nice and she said that she couldn't help me. But did give me a name of a therapist that saw people with DID. That is what she said I had. DID. Excellent blog site about DID-know dissociation Explains what it is. Suggest reading about DID at this blog site for a better understanding of what DID is.

So I started to see this therapist. She evaluated me and told me the same thing- I have DID. She wanted me to see her once a week. So I went once a week to her office and we started out by just talking. What was happening now with the lost time. And I had to quit work. I did not want to harm a patient that I was caring for.

And when things started to be remembered - I was shocked!!!!!!
I was in therapy for about 6 months before another "part" made herself known.
A four year. An innocent four year old girl who has been sexually abused by a relative! And unfortunately is still being sexually abused today!!!!

This is what my story is about. The child abuse, DID, the ignorance and neglect
of authorities to help me and the way I have been treated by medical staff and police departments and other people in positions to help. The lack of understanding and help.
The ridicule - called the "crazy lady"- raped repeatedly and not believed by law enforcement.

This is my story - a sad story - but just maybe someone out there will be "saved" by it - if they understand what is happening and can save just one innocent child from abuse. Listen - just listen to the innocent cries of a child - believe them even if the story seems incredible. It really does happen!