Tuesday, October 7, 2008

10.7.08 LIES

This past weekend was a bad weekend.
Not for me,Elizabeth but for Kalisa the 4 yr old part.
She is the part that takes the weekly abuse that has been going on for 50 years.
Even after all these years the triggers have been passed on to the next generation of perps that have been taught what to do to trigger her.

Please excuse computer foul ups on my blog - I am a new-bee to all this. I am still exploring how to link to other pages so you can familiarize yourself to DID and the child abuse which is associated with it. So if one link to a page doesnt seem to work please look to see if there is another of the same - 2nd time around I got some of them right! Yeaaa!!!! for me!!!!! I am even going to get real brave and include some of Kalisa's art work. It shows "what" happened to her when they "the badded boyses" as she calls them- take her and abuse her.

But today is just an example of how people with DID are treated - even by doctors.
My therapist had to go on medical leave - so right now I am not going to a therapist. There are so few therapist who treat DID. And then there are doctors
who dont believe that it really exist! I would like them to live in my shoes for just one weekend! I think after that weekend they would go get educated in it!!!!

My family doc wanted me to go to a shrink - to follow my medications - I take about thirty different meds because of all my medical problems. This is a common thing for a shrink to do. So to make everyone happy I went today. I really dont know why I did go - I knew what was going to happen before I found the place!
The doc (female) came right out and said - "I dont think you have DID because there isnt any DID. I think you are making this up for attention and I dont know what your problem is. But you are accountable for your life and you need to start acting like a responsible adult."

My 40 min. appointment lasted 10 mins. I wasnt going to sit there and argue with her- isnt worth the precious minutes I have left to live. My medical conditions are rapidly going down hill and I do not have much time left here. So sitting in a dr office - especially one who doesnt believe you - I do not have time to waste on a person like that. And her attitude wasnt going to help me any.
I felt once again - I was being dumped onto a dr who did not want to have me as a patient.

Not the first time this has happened - after my therapist told me to find another therapist to go to because she did not have a return date - I went back to her office and there was not another therapist there that wanted to treat me.
I am not the typical DID client. Too complicated - takes up too much time and energy- dont want to be bothered with someone like her - dont have time for that.
That is pretty bad when they dont want you as a client just because they cant find a case study like you in a text book some where.
It all goes back to - lies. All lies.
But the bad part about this is adults lying to adults!
It is different when there was an adult telling a child a white lie as they call them -
No wonder a child learns really fast how not to trust an adult. Who is telling you the truth- who is lying to you to get to you to abuse you?
Not much difference to me when a therapist avoids even looking at you because they feel guilty because they turned you away and they KNOW that you need their help!
They are teaching that adult not to trust a therapist by their actions and the guilty look on their faces! Same goes with doctors! Not all of them.
Dont have time for that crazy lady - too complicated-takes up too much time- cant deal with her today! And their eyes roll!!!!!!
Do they think just because I have DID I am deaf and blind?
How do they know how they make me feel?
Did I ask for this ? NO !!!!!!!!!
Do I really want to have to go to therapy because of this? NO!!!!!!
I just want to be safe and stop what is being done to me and has been done to me for the past 50 years!!!!!!!!

How do I do this?
First I need a qualified therapist - one who believes that DID does happen and believes me - that is the important first step.........
then many minutes of work to follow.

But what do you do when there isnt any one out there to help you?
When you have DID you find out really fast who is really your friend.
I have none. When they heard that first I had MS - well I might as well be a leper!
Then when I told one person who I thought was a friend they found a brain tumor(more to come on that later- they were recently removed and no damage done) and that I had DID - well I might as well be six feet under because I have not heard from "a friend" in almost 3 years. Some friends- right?

And family - they arent any better. Just a crazy sister- and what are we going to do with her - "I cant take care of her - me neither" "Guess she'll have to go to a nursing home". "We can have her committed" and this is what you find out is being said.

DID is a lonely disease because everyone treats you like not only DID does not exist but you dont either.
It is a sad disease because of the way you are treated because no one understands what you are going through because they are not educated in it.
And also because you get "oh you are just making that up - that really didnt happen".

And then add multiple other physical medical problems to it.
Oh life can be so much fun!!!!!!!!!
You are told to build a support system - not only for DID - but I was told that for the MS also. You get "Oh but you look so good! You really dont have all that wrong with you!" Anyone can have my body for one day - bet you will give it back just after a few hours. Dont let the outside wrappings fool you!!!
It is the inside that is falling apart - not the outside!

So to the support system - it is called - what support system? Remember- I am treated as a leper. So how do you build a support system?
You have doctors you tell you you are full of sh***t, therapists who say they dont want to be bothered with you because you take up too much time and are too complicated - police departments who label you crazy, friends all deserted you and family calls once in awhile to see if you are still breathing. (Didnt even come to see me last week when I was in the hospital for heart surgery - come to think of it - they didnt call either while I was in the hospital.)

Depression is a part of DID - especially after you start remembering what had/has been done to you.
But life goes on.
But for this body - the next question is - will next weekend be like this past weekend?
I can only hope not. My body needs time to heal - I have had 5 operations in 10months. And what is being done to me is not helping the healing process from the surgeries.
Well, enough venting - all caused by that dr visit today!
I am going to post this and then go back and try and put some of Kalisa's art work of this weekend on it - if I can figure how to do it!

I will do as the sites I recommend for reading on DID and child abuse -about triggers-what is seen or read can possibly cause a trigger. So go slow- be careful and be safe!

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