Tuesday, December 30, 2008


The emotions are beginning to get extremely raw. This is Kalisa's latest collage - the one above - she gets older parts to help her with the "numbers" (letters) and what things say. And then she tells them what to write (type).
There are many blogs on DID - oh - they are there if you look. And there are some that ask for every one's help in this problem of child abuse and DID survivor abuse.
But the blogs and the plea for help are only as good as the people who see and hear what they say.
Sometimes an army is defeated.
Sometimes it only takes one person to defeat that army.

This - will take first a person who hears and believes.
That person can be you or someone you know, a doctor, a therapist - not necessarily a professional person - but that one person who is willing to help - listen and care.
If there is a doctor or a therapist out there who understands about DID/abuse from it and willing to working with a victim - maybe just maybe - that is where the army begins to be built.

With one person helping another person understand what is happening and being done to them - so they can try and make themselves safe and learn to cope and live a life where they do not need to fear to live.

Yes government needs to do something also - but while waiting for them to do something about it - what about helping the victims now? Where is the help that they need ever so badly today- right now?
Some victims are very lucky and they have an understanding therapist - but those therapists are few and far between.

What needs to be done to keep the therapists that are educated in this already to stay and help these victims? It is fine wanting to get more therapists educated- but what are the children right now suppose to do - keep suffering until more therapists are educated? How long will that take? No one is listening.
Children are suppose to suffer for how long?
Eyes nots wants toos subbers nos mores !!!!! Pease helps mees! Kawesa

Take my hand - help me.

WHO - WHAT - WHY ??????????





Monday, December 29, 2008

Never-Ending Story ?

Kalisa's before "Kiss-miss" pictures.
They cant even let her alone
before the holidays.
This one at the bottom has
a drawing she added-she said that they picked her up and were going to throw her in a hole in the ground that they dug and that there was a "bigs boxes downs ins de dirts dats deys gennas frows mees ins."

This body cant take much more - the meds for the MS are not working any more - been to the hospital every day for the past week -

The heart is going to have to be redone - that is if it can be redone- fine that out next week -

Kalisa hasnt even opened her "Kiss-miss"presents. They are just sitting there collecting dust. Some nights she is so scared -

Scared of what might happen if those creeps show up and then scared also because of this heart just flipping and flopping all around in the chest. Afraid to go to sleep because she may not wake up. She calls on her "wittle phonses" to the only person she trusts. It gives her some comfort - some nights it doesnt any more. And that even scares me! She is really what keeps this body going but there just isnt the energy there any more.

She lets her"energy field" down some -I guess because of the medical state that the body is in - she was talking to a little bunny the other day- and it was really sad - she knows she is dying - that this body is dying - I guess she gets some "crossover" from Anastasia- our inner wisdom part - she was telling the bunny that is was o-tays (OK) to be sad and that it was o-tays to crys because that is all a part of life and death. And that "ebery-bodys" has to "cepts" (except) that as part of life. Even if it makes your "bestest" friend sad and feel like crying.

Then she told the bunny she wished that her "wittle phoneses" friend would feels betters so she would come and talk to her before she dies. She cried then and hugged the bunny. She told the bunny between snobs that would make her so happy. But how do I tell a 4 yr old that that most likely wont happen? How can I crush her last ray of hope ? I cant do it - I just cant do it. That is her only last thread of hope here on this earth and if I tell her that will never happen - we are all dead. She will give up totally and die. She wont have anything to care about.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

DIDing (Spacing) Out

I am sitting here trying to do things on the computer - head hurts because it is cold outside and plate in head makes it hurt even worse. It is coming out ASAP! Go to dr tomorrow to see when it can come out.

Kalisa popped out for awhile on here - always interesting to come back and find a different screen then what you were doing. She was gaming.

I was going to fix the cellar door - the one that leads into this room from the outside. Someone tried to get in last night around 3 AM. They didnt get to far! That bookcase was the best thing to set in front of it!
I was going to fasten it shut and put plastic over it from this side - cold draft comes from under it. Have to do it so it is a permanent thing.

But Kalisa popped out - I think it was because I did too much this AM and was starting to hurt really bad- chest pain and back pain - so I had to stop working and sat down here to rest and out she popped!

Wish she would clean! She is happy right now - got her a little ladder wall rack for her story books- put it together and she put her books on it. Now she has all her toys in one corner of the bedroom. That is "her" area.
All her other things -"babies" are in their "beds" in the living room and bedroom. Some of her beds for them are big and she has a real baby bassinet and several real baby bouncers for her"babies". They take up alot of room!

Just glad all the rest of this body's parts (30 some) dont pop in and out like Kalisa does! That would be too much for me to handle! Several do come out - Sadie is an adult part that is the "shopper". She did a real number with credit cards several Christmases ago.
There are several parts that come out here on the computer but not like Kalisa or Sadie or me.
And then a lot of the parts do collages and or write in journals. Most just do collages.

Well at least whoever tried to get in last night - didnt and Kalisa stayed in and here and safe. Maybe it wasnt the preps. Great! Just what I need - another kind of a**hole bothering me!!!
We have snow and ice right now- so I hope the preps keep away. It is way too cold for them to take her any where.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Daily Difference in Alters

This is how I, Elizabeth, feel today. Angry, hurt, confused and in both emotional and physical pain.
This body is crap! I need an overhaul - major one !

I was just visiting Terry's site (host's name) where she keeps all of us listed.
How she remembers everyone I dont know.

Are protectors, and Guides and wisdom "people" considered parts and are all "parts" considered alters?
Or are alters only the parts that "switch" or "come out"?

This is too much to think about right now.

This is how Kalisa feels right now.
I am glad that she feels so happy right now.
Someone in this body needs to feel happy!

Saturday, December 13, 2008


INVADERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

All the diseases this body has - all the illness that can not be fixed - all the germs and imperfections..........

All the pain that is has .......... never goes away even with the strongest pain medication.........

Why do I have to suffer with all this agony and then have DID on top of everything else?


Why do the preps still have to bother me? Why dont people believe? I am not crazy?

How much more can this body take?

Will there ever be an end?

When will then end ever come?

WHO AM I ???????

Notice the small images inside the head - alters!

But who am I?

What am I?
Where do they all come from?
Where do they all hide?
How many are in there?
Where are all the answers?

Friday, December 12, 2008


Well at least it didnt rain today-so the body gets a rest.
But I am really tired and the body feels exhausted. They probably gave Kalisa some drugs. (big sigh) ;(

My mind feels really confused also. That is a part of DID -especially when there is a back and forth switching of alters. It is even hard to think.
I wish the weather would be about in the low 70's. I can handle that.
I just do not have any energy - none- zilch!!!!

The confusion is just toooo bad right now.

Left Staked out in the Rain

This is Kalisa's pic she drew about yesterday.
It rained yesterday -sometimes really hard. I know I lost the afternoon and from 6-12 mn last night .
You really cant see her pic very well.
But on the right the blue area Kalisa is laying there- she was staked down, naked, after being blind folded.
She then said the baddeds boyses did-ed dos baddeds fings toos hers.
Then they left her lay out in the rain like that for awhile.
It was cold out there yesterday!
I guess that is why I have a cold and my back hurts really bad. Also have a cut- rather bad one- on one toe. That is bad for this body - it has diabetes.
Kalisa was so happy the day before this. Had gotten to see her special person and had ice cream with her and was in such a good mood.
I saw what the littles wrote on here.
They do do that once in awhile. Banish the adult alters to wherever- usually a cave.
Also the bad alters do that.
I feel so tired and need peaceful, restful sleep. But that never happens when you have to sleep with one eye opened all the time to make sure there isnt anyone coming in to get you or trigger you and then rape and hurt you.
When will this ever stop?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Clean Up Crew

I see that the "Littles" are only going to let me out when needed!
They have clogged the kitchen sink/garbage disposal and need it unclogged!
They did a really good job at it!
A whole jug of drain opener- to unclog 20 pipes- didnt open it.
So I guess I am off to the store to get some red devil lye if they still sell that!
Just might have to get some donuts!
I noticed that if you are a damaged goods person you dont get any answers about any kind of help from one person.
For a person who says she wants to help with stopping the abuse and such - she needs to remember that it starts with a person like herself - someone to help stop the hurt that the abused person feels/felt.
Which is more important?
The person who needs the help now or the possibility that someone might read a blog and think about doing something?
Well I have to go and undo a "Littles" thing - I hope this isnt the beginning of something new in "my" life. Cleaning up after littles.
I am not use to children. - E

The Littles

We are doing OK by ourselves.
There are some bigs out there that say they are safe bigs but us older littles do not trust them. They are the ones that put us on a psych ward when we didnt need to be there.
All of us were aware of that little episode.
Kalisa just needed some therapy time with her therapist and things would have been OK.

And then we would not be left hanging as we are today.
Things would be different and Kalisa would not be so lost and alone.
She feels betrayed and abandoned once again.
Like a broken doll- someone picks it up and starts to fix it but then just lets it go and it is broken once again - only this time a little bit more broken and harder to fix the next time around.
One of these times that doll is going to shatter and there will not be any fixing left to be done.

But we are in control now - we have done away with all the bigs - and we are not going to let any outside bigs hurt us ever again!
This body may not have long to live so us littles are going to enjoy the time it has left here. And we dont care what anybody says!
We fooled them before and we can fool them again!

No one really cares. People just use words - just like they use other people.
If they really cared they would show it.
We havent talked to another big for over a week. That shows how much bigs "care" about you.
WE could be laying here dead and no one would know because no one cares enough to see if you are OK.

And that is the way of life that this body only knows.
Words - not actions.
The only actions are actions of hurt - both physical and emotional.
No actions of love, trust or real caring.
WE only have each other. There is no one else.
WE are OUR only family and friends.

People say they are your friend but when it comes down to it - they arent there for you when you need a "friend".
And then there are other people who make excuses as to why they cant come around even though you know they are just making up excuses - they could be there for you if they really, truly cared about you. Once again - just words - no actions.

So when something happens to this body - no one will miss it let alone care that something happened to it - that it no longer exist. That is really sad.


Dis Kawesa
Beff-knees justeds tell-wids mees eyes nots getteds nuff-fings fors
Alls eyes askeds fors was my friends she calleds mees ons de wittles phonses and she makeds mees new storys tapes.
She sayeds nos she nots doeds dats nos mores.

She bees toos busys wiffs her new friends. She getteds ons de wittle tb fings whens she getted ups and stayeds ons deres tills she goeds a beds ats nights. She nots habes nos timeses fors mees, or Nemos or Woo-cees or Winus or Shoulders or ebens Bry-ins. She bees justeds toos busys wiffs de wittle tbs fings. Dats makeds mees bees berry berry saddeds. Eyes crwhyeds a berry wonged timeses whens Beff-knees tell-wids mees dats.

My friends sayeds dats she lubs mees. Butts ifs she wheely lubs mees she nots hurteds mees and makeds me crwhys. She nots cares ifs de baddeds menses getteds mees. Ifs eyes wistens toos hers storys tapes dens eyes nots hears de baddeds menses and den eyes stayeds safests.
Sews she nots careds ifs eyes getteds hurted by de baddeds menses.

Eyes heareds de doc-ers. Dey tell-wids Wiz-biffs dats my hearts bees wheels
sickeds and dats eyes mights getteds deadeds soons. Eyes tell-wids my friends dats and she nots ebens cares. Wizz-biffs askeds hers ifs she comes toos bisits for we getteds deadeds and she sayeds nos.

Eyes bees sews confuseds. Eyes foughts she lubs mees. She tell-wids mees dats one timeses.
Sews nows eyes nebers habes a kiss-miss ebers agains.


Littles learn what hurt is before anything else.
Physical as well as emotional hurt.
And that is one thing that there seems to be an ever endless supply of.

Promises are the other thing - falls in the same category. A promise to them is the same as a hurt. Sometimes it just hurts more depending on who made the promise.

Lies are the same as promises and hurts. Littles dont want to hear what you think they want to hear - they want to hear the truth. Because the truth is better to hear and hurt then to hear a lie and be hurt by the lie.
The lie just makes trusting more difficult .

And trust - they give a person their trust - to a little giving a person their trust is the same as taking their heart and laying it on a plate and saying "Here -take it."

When that trust is broken it is the same as a lie and all the hurt in the world. To find out once again that you are only someone else's throw away garbage.
Unwanted, unloved, neglected, used, mentally abused.

Like the infant in a crib that is not nurtured - not touched - not talked to - not held - not caressed - just there - just there waiting to be hurt once again because that is all they have ever known in their short little lives.
posted by Carey - a little

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Dis is Kawesa
Dere bees nos mores bigs louds outs. Only wittles.
Biggses bees nos goodeds. Deys wies tos wittles.

Eyes foughts dats a bigs bees my friends and dens she habes mee putteds ins jails. Deys wockeds mees ups and madeds mees takeds offs my crows-es.

She sayeds dats she gennas takes mees for ice cremes and dens she too busys talkeds toos ebery bodies elses heres ons de wittle tb fings - she tell-wids mees she nots feels goodeds toos talkeds toos any bodys buts she wieds tos mees.
She justeds nots wants tos talkeds tos mees.
She bees talkeds toos ebery bodys elses wrights nows.

She sayeds dats she gennas gibes mees a wetters and dens she gibes ebery bodys elses wetters butts nots mees.

Eyes ebens madeds hers a picsures. Sees.

Eyes madeds utter picsures toos.

Eyes nots doeds nuff-fings toos hers toos makes hers maddeds ats mees.
Eyes bees a goodeds grwhirls.
Eyes nots helpeds dats de baddeds boyses getteds mees and doeds baddeds fings toos mees.
Eyes gibes hers my kiss-miss wists and eyes finkeds she nots wanteds my wists. My wists nots ebens makeds hers useds hers doll-wers.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Littles On the Loose !!!!!!!

Hi! Guys! Guess what? NO MORE BIGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats right - no more bigs!

We got rid of all the bigs and put them where they cant get out and get to us.

Only us littles here. We are in charge now.

And we are not going to let Kalisa be hurt by broken promises

She has suffered enough.

She is only 4 years old and a big should not tease her by making her promises and then go back on them.

So we are in charge now and no bigs allowed!

We even have a new set of rules to go by. And anyone who does not follow them will be put away with the no good for nothing bigs.


1. All littles will follow ALL rules or be put away with the bigs
2. NO BIGS allowed ever
3. No teasing Kalisa
4. All littles will help each other
6. Do not trust police or firemen they lie to littles
We are now in charge of everything and we will not listen to what bigs have to say. They ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED EVER !!!!!! THEY LIE !!!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Signs of Perps

I thought we had been safe the last few days. I didnt think Kalisa was out.
But by the feeling of the body - the perps had her and I think were quite rough.

I had to cancel my yearly physical with the dr. I couldnt go after this sexual assault. I am hurting way too bad. I dont know if she (my dr) really believes me on DID and what is presently going on.
I know that my use to be therapist knows - I wish she would relay that bit of info so I know how to handle my dr's reaction to me and my DID and present perp activity.

I took dog out Sunday night around midnight - there actually was a patrol car sitting in the parking lot across the street from where I potty the dog. I dont know if it was a "safe" cop or a "perp" cop. But I was up all night and nothing happened.

Two nights ago while I was on the computer - which sits right under the window of a side porch - around 2 AM there was someone outside the window-
panting quite loudly! I wasnt imagining it because the dog heard it also and started to growl. I think that is only the 2nd time I have every heard the dog growl!

I dont know if that is a trigger - they cant see in that window - it has an AC unit in it so there is a piece of ply wood above the AC unit that is as tall as me and then mini blinds and a curtain! So it probably was a trigger - but it didnt work!
Not that time anyways!

They (the perps) have so many ways to get Kalisa out. And being only 4 yrs old - the toys, ice cream and candy do work. Or saying that they are going to kill the dog or a friend is also a trigger. But I dont know how to undo the triggers.
Kalisa is so very vulnerable to them! She is so innocent!

Kalisa would like to tell about this past episode of perp activity - I do not type for her - another little does - for the sake of the readers she will not put it in"Kalisa language" - her 4 yr old version.

" The baddeds men gets me. They takeds me too the little cabin. When we getteds there they called me baddeds names and hit me with their hands on the butt after they madeds me takeds offs my clothes. There is a little bed madeds on the floors. There be stapes on the little beds. They takeds the straps and putteds them rounds my feets and hands like this. (she was strapped at the ankles and wrists-all corners of the mattress)
Then they did that special pee on my belly (they masturbated on her stomach)

Then one of the bigger boys putteds his penis in me. He madeds me getteds hurted down there. He pusheds and pusheds really hards. He madeds me crys and then he called me a cry baby.

Then he getted ups and say that he genna puts my feets in the fires. He pulled me over by the fires and picked ups my feets and held them close to the fires.

I screamed. Then the other boy putteds his hands over my mouth so I could not scream. Eyes bees sews scareds (I be so scared) There be no bodies to helps me. I be all alones.

The the big baddeds mans comeds in the cabins and he sees whats the baddeds boys are doing. He hollered at them and they throw my down on the floors. He tells them to leave and they all leave.

The baddes mans tells me to get in the sprinklers (shower). I getteds in the sprinklers. Then he grabbeds mees out of the sprinklers and putteds me on the little beds and he putteds his penis in me. It hurts really really baddeds. But I trieds really hardeds nots to crys - if you crys then you getteds hitteds with the belts. I nots wants to getteds hitteds with the belts.
Then he telleds me to getteds dressed. I putteds my clothes on and then he telleds me to getteds in the cars and he takeds me to my houses.

I getteds outs the cars and goes in my houses. I called my friend cuz I wants to goeds to her new houses cuz it be safest there but she not talkeds to mees
She be saddeds. Maybees a morrows she talkeds toos mees.
Then I goeds to beds buts I nots goeds to sleeps. The baddeds mans might come back so I have to stay awake."

That is her description of the latest perp attack- those are her words and her drawings of what happened to her. In the one pic - it is the first where she use magazine pics and drew on the pic as well. Interesting. What what a therapist would have to say about that. Guess I will never know.