Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Flashbacks ?

Dont know if these are flashbacks or what - this is terrible not having someone to guide you through all this crap !!!
Have been getting all this stuff when the host body went into the USAF in 1972.
Names coming up - like Sgt McDainels (I think it is McDainels) and Airman Fox  and a basic trainee with the intials I think of  J.S.
Only can remember that there was a room-mate who was from Alaska who was gay - left "us" alone and would visit a room down the hall and that this body did not attend the graduation ceremonies because of being on crutches with a sprained ankle.   That is all that can be remembered out of 6 weeks at Lackland AF Base.
Is that all that "we" are suppose to remember? Was the rest brain-washed out of memory? On purpose?
And then Sheppard AF Base - was in charge of a dorm - on purpose? Was it because then the "right" people were left in the dorm or certain people were allowed to come and go as they pleased?
I remember being told about something we saw and then were told - "you did not see that-that did not happen." That I can recall ...... very -very  few memories from that time period also.........can remember some trauma that happened from that time period...........wonder if that was on purpose.........
Does having these flashbacks/memories that were forgotten and now remembered - does it make other DID victims feel like they are going paranoid???????
Does that feeling having to do with programming that it makes us feel like we are going crazy so we DONT remember things??????????  That we arent suppose to remember things?????????
SHit..shit...shit !!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Big Time Sabotage !!!!!!

This is Elizabeth
Kalisa is depressed - really bad right now - so "us" bigs can come through.
For nebies to "our system"
 I am the adult part that took over the host body after the host  decide this world is not worth living in. She went on "bacations" (vacation) as kalisa calls it.

But I just had a thought pop into my brain.
Big time sabotage and all parties involved have played right into the perps (or if you want to call them mind controllers-new word for us in this life- where I got it????)

It has to do with mind-body connection and mind control.
If these perps(thats whats I am going to call them here) have brain washed people so bad - then that means that mind-body connection would also work.  Right ?

Does that mean that if "we" me got too close to remembering something important (to the perps) that if I would not shut up about it - could they some how have brain washed the therapist - and some how I was purposely directed to go to that therapist - that since I was too close to that memory - ..... could the therapist then some how have been brain washed into having a mind-body incident and become disabled - so not to be able to continue being a therapist - and in the end have a part (ours) sabotage all or any therapy given so that there would never be any hope of having that memory surface???????????

What is that memory?
What is so important to the perps that they did not want me to remember or have the therapist know?
What were "we" getting so close to that this would happen?
How many sabotage parts exists inside me to have sabotaged "us"' recently?
How is that memory related or intertwined with the therapist?

What will happen now that the main bad man is dead? (as K says "He  droppeds  obers  deadeds!" -had a heart attack last time the bad boys took K)

What was so important?
What dont they want "us" to remember?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Bads Mans Gots Deadeds !!!!

Dis Kawesa  -  Guess whats?  De  baddeds  mans  getteds  deadeds!!!!!  (K very excited)
De  baddeds  boys  kid-snappeds  mees  de  utters  days  and  dey  takeds  mees  toos  de wittles  cabins.
De  baddeds  mans-es  bees  deres  and  he  getted  berry  maddeds  cuz  deys  brings  mees  deres  wiffs  my  brokeds  foots.

De  baddeds  mans-es  hollereds  and  hollereds  and  dens  he  falleds  downs.  He  not  getteds  ups.
De  baddeds  boyses  tryeds  toos  getted  hims  ups  buts  he  nots  wakeds  ups  -  he justs  wayeds  deres  doings  nuff-fings.
Dens  one  baddeds  boys  puts  his  hands  on  de  baddeds    
 mans-es  necks  and   he  sayeds  dats  de  baddeds  mans-es  droppeds  obers  deads.  De  baddeds  mans-es  bees  deadeds !

Sews  de  baddeds  boys  puts  hims  in  de  trucks  and takeds  him  some wheres  and dey  bringeds  mees  toos  my  houses.

Translation- K was taken by the bad boys to the cabin - the bad man was there and got upset after he saw her broken foot and started to yell - and according to K  he fell over - dead!  The bad boys loaded him up in a truck and took him somewhere and brought  K  home!  Maybe they will leave her alone now- forever!!!  That would be so nice!!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Understanding Kalisa

This is Crystal - Kalisa is extremely depressed.  This is the time that she lets her guard down and Charlie comes out.  Charlie is the "I want to die" part and does those suicide collages.
It is all because of a phone text we got last Saturday. (by the way for those who text us - as of the 9th of this month we dropped texting and other options off our phone- financial reasons - need that $11 towards food).

I need to expalin about Kalisa
Kalisa is the 4 year part created long ago - because of an uncle (who is now deceased- thank goodness!) She was sexually abused but not just by him - he had created a circle of perps and used Kalisa to train them.
Kalisa today is still used to train the perp ring.  They have created  layer upon layers of triggers to get her out and then take her and abuse her. 
There have been multiple perps - starting some at a young age.

Almost 5 years ago "we" were dx as having DID and recommended to a therapist which knew about DID and what to do for them.
Kalisa never trusted anyone before.
It was her job to handle the perps hurt.
And the only comfort she found was in taking care of her "babies". At the age of 4 - it was her brothers and sisters. Now it is her Aston Drake dolls- they look like real babies-and she treats them like real babies.

It took 6 months for the therapist to gain her trust - for Kalisa to "come out" and talk to her.
Over the months Kalisa became very close to the therapist and even called her "my new mommy".
All K wanted was to have that "mother" figure and love that she never had at the real age of 4.
Oh - by the way - K has birthdays  but she is always 4 - she does not age.
She bonded with the therapist.  Over the years the bond just grew more and more.

Then the therapist got ill and had to quit working - but the therapist kept in connect with K - daily.
The therapist even called K's dr and had her admitted (against her will) to a psych unit when the t thought the body's life was in danger because the 4 yr old could not tell the t if she was taking the daily medication that the body needs to basically stay alive. (a lot heart meds & diabetic & MS)  She was taking the correct meds but the therapist did not know this.
For 3 days K was held in the psych ward. The bad part about that was - the psych ward didnt know what to do about a DID person.
And all they kept asking K was "You need to take your clothes off"  They wanted her in a patient gown.  She wouldnt take her clothes off.

Perps have been dressed as police, firemen and EMTs.  So K does not trust anyone dressed as such.
K has stayed in connect with the therapist all this time.  Calling her and leaving voice mails, emails and mail.
The perps take Kalisa and have dropped her off in town near the therapist's house.
Only once of the many times did Kalisa find the right door.  Sometimes she was dropped off in the rain or snow storm.

This past Saturday the therapist texted by phone to "keep out of her life. If you show up at my door I will call the police.  Do not call, text or try and contact me in any way".  She allowed Kalisa to do this all this time.
Just what Kalisa needs- to be hauled off by the police. 
Just more trauma for her.
It itsnt her fault that the perps take her and drop her off over by the therapist's house.
The therapist herself is DID.
We have been asked when kicked off the therapists site for art therapy - why we were not given the understanding for the post on the forum board.
Our answer was to ask her.
All we wanted was to be treated like any other member- we just for once wanted to "belong"  and not be treated differently just because we are DID.  The request was not anything drastic. We didnt want to be "just there"  which is what we were.
And then we were accused of upsetting other members with that request.
That was not true.  We emailed the other members and none of them we upset.
The only person upset was the therapist- no one else.  So she booted us off the site! Unconstitutional!
Her of all people!  She should read what she wrote in her introduction to the site!  She did everything the regular society does to a DID person to us! She segregated us from the rest of the group just like society does. We were "just there".
At least there were members from the site that followed me off that site and give that support that is so greatly appreciated and needed.

For 2 years that therapist only lied to Kalisa - making her promises - all broken.  But the bad part about it - the therapist KNEW she was not going to keep those promises.
So Saturday when that text came- Kalisa cried and cried and cried!  A 4 yr old was once again - round and round- the same old thing - DONT  TRUST  A  BIG !  THEY  ONLY LIE  TO  YOU !
Any thing gained in therapy was only thrown out the window.

If the therapist would have read emails and listened to the phone calls- which she didnt all the time - she just deleted them- she would have known the whole situation with Kalisa. 
We lost our insurance and can not afford to pay out of pocket for a therapist.
So therefore there will not be any more therapy.
We asked the therapist for recommend books to read to help us-since there will not be any therapy- but those requests were ignored.  Any thing along that line was ignored.

So our only therapy is here on line- the art therapy.
Kalisa also does other collages- which she "goos"(glues) collages together.  She has been doing them since going to therapy and she really enjoys it.
But she was so upset Saturday that she took 4 huge bages of pictures that she had cut out for collages(garbage bags) and threw them all away!  For her to do that - she is really upset!  And her "babies" havent been "taken care of"  since then!

She has once again been rejected.  Throw away- as she says-  no good - not wanted -"onlys  de  baddeds  mens-es  wants  me".
That is where Kalisa is right now.
She doesnt care - and the bad part about that is - she controls this body 99% of the time.  So the emotions are an overflow from her.
This is Kalisa right now - hurt and alone - rejected by the only person who showed her kindness - to become just like the rest of the bigs she knows. The therapist doesnt realize the person she has become- hurtful, unkind and mean.  And not only towards Kalisa but also towards others.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Rough Nite

Well another sleepless nite!   Fire sirens going off left and right! Guess half the town burned down or something with all the sirens!
Doesnt help K - she panics any more when she hears a siren - just like the train whistles.  High alert mode with all those noises!

And then that stupid trap door outside!  Didnt know about that before signing a lease!  Would have thought twicw about that!  Wouldnt be too bad if we could put a lock on it -cant because of the gas meter down there having to be read by the meter man!

Someone around 3 AM came up the steps !  Wish I could do something to catch whoever is doing it- I think it is the same person.  They can hear when I call 911 - police did say last winter that it looked like someone was sleeping down there in the cellar-but they can hear me call and leave before the police get here.

Dont think it is a perp - think it is a local drunk - usually happens after the bars are closed and this place was empty for awhile and I guess a few of them flopped here!
The dog lets me know when someone is around. 
Kalisa has excellant hearing!  The rest of us - well the hearing dr wrote a prescription for 2 hearing aids!
So thank goodness for the dog!  Not that anyone would be afraid of a 6 lb poodle!  Or a couple of baby tortoises waltzing around!  The best they could do is pee on them if they picked them up! They dont go for strangers.

Kalisa is upset - when she gets like this she lets her guard down-if she stays "happy" then she is more alert of what is going on around her.  I dont know how to get her in a "happy" mood right now.  She really is depressed. Besides polyvore art she draws pics that she has put on here and "goos" (glues) collages together.  A highlight of this 4 yr olds day is getting the mail to see what pictures she can cut out for collages.  She had boxes of pics saved!

At least Charlie has retreated for now.  He needs to stay where ever he goes when not out. We have enough chaos in our life right now - dont need him around.  Anthony -a 8yr old part - created chaos when we first discovered we were DID.  He is in a room created just for him and he hasnt created any chaos since then.
Sadie has been quiet- she is the shopper-holic.  She did a number with the credit cards about 6 yrs ago!

Elizabeth hasnt been around except very breifly a couple days ago. She is an adult part that took over the host when Terry decided life wasnt worth being around for. So terry retreated inside and hasnt been around for ..oh.. about 5 yrs.
And since Elizabeth decided she wasnt really needed - because there isnt any therapy to worry about - I took over the driving and making sure we get to where we need to go. Thats me- Crystal.  I never drove before and that was really something when I drove for the first time!  Had to go to Hershey to the dr.  A very interesting trip!  I'm 16.
And then there are a bunch of others -Anatasia, Jonathan, Agelina, Corrie, Charity, Amanda, Samantha, Hope, Christy, Alisa, Amy&April, Heather, Abby, Alexandria, Mandy, Casey, a teen boy(no name yet), anger(no name), Shadowman, the Guardian, the Guide ,Bethany and a few others.  Thats us - our family.

Oh and we cant forget Kalisa's babies - Jaden, Ashley, baby Tedi, Jonathan, Destiny, Bethany, Emmie(awake) and Emmie (sleeping) (2dolls one awake,one sleeping), Amie, Stephanie, a teddy bear without a name, and cant forget Nesbit! Oh and Maling.  I think thats it - no- I forgot  "poor Annie"! And all her stuffed animals!

Well that is a very quick intro to "us". Guess I need to do something productive today seeing how we slept all day yesterday!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Never Thought another DID victim

Never in our wildest dream - did we think that "we" would be treated just like the rest of the uneducated society treats us!  And especially from a person who use to be a therapist!
When a rogue part-really a sabotage part- posted on a forum board on her site for adult abuse survivors- about just wanting to be treated like the rest of the members of the site - "we" got booted off!

And "we" were ask by other members of that site why "we" were not given the understanding, empathy and compassion we should have been given rather then the treatment we were given.  Ask her.
The reason was an extremely poor one.  Some other members are in a worst situation then we are - with more possibilities of what was sited for the reason of being banned then we are.
Our place of residence has NOT been entered for over 6 months and the same with the other reason that she stated - that also is a thing of the past for 5-6 months.  Not so for other members from what has been stated. Why havent they been banned?  And the last reason - well when a whole family is in jeopardy I think that is worst then just our 4 yr old part!

All I was asking for was the same treatment - the same support any other member was being given - nothing more.
It just hurts so to know that a fellow DID person can be like that.
When the site was to support each other - to be there for each other - help each other- learn from each other.

I thank the members that have followed me from that site and are still giving me that support-no I cant read the forum board and learn any thing from that - nor can I vote on pics or join in the contest - maybe someday she will realize her mistake and I only hope that she doesnt cont to ban people from the site - especially for reasons of why we were.

Thank you everyone for all your support you have given "us".  Kalisa enjoys talking with all of you - please know that "we" try to keep her as safe as we possibly can - at all times.  Sometimes though- "we" are blocked by K and fail.  She is stronger then any of us.
We have ask in the past for reading material to help us (our request was ignored) - we lost our therapist and no longer have any insurance that will cover therapy.

We are on our own.  We only have this group for support - all family and friends deserted us long ago.
We greatly value each and every one of you and consider each a valued and trusted friend.
We are there for you also.
Feel free to "talk" whenever you need to.  "We" will listen with an open heart.
safe hugs & be safe
Crystal, Kalisa(Kawesa) and all