This is Crystal - Kalisa is extremely depressed. This is the time that she lets her guard down and Charlie comes out. Charlie is the "I want to die" part and does those suicide collages.
It is all because of a phone text we got last Saturday. (by the way for those who text us - as of the 9th of this month we dropped texting and other options off our phone- financial reasons - need that $11 towards food).
I need to expalin about Kalisa
Kalisa is the 4 year part created long ago - because of an uncle (who is now deceased- thank goodness!) She was sexually abused but not just by him - he had created a circle of perps and used Kalisa to train them.
Kalisa today is still used to train the perp ring. They have created layer upon layers of triggers to get her out and then take her and abuse her.
There have been multiple perps - starting some at a young age.
Almost 5 years ago "we" were dx as having DID and recommended to a therapist which knew about DID and what to do for them.
Kalisa never trusted anyone before.
It was her job to handle the perps hurt.
And the only comfort she found was in taking care of her "babies". At the age of 4 - it was her brothers and sisters. Now it is her Aston Drake dolls- they look like real babies-and she treats them like real babies.
It took 6 months for the therapist to gain her trust - for Kalisa to "come out" and talk to her.
Over the months Kalisa became very close to the therapist and even called her "my new mommy".
All K wanted was to have that "mother" figure and love that she never had at the real age of 4.
Oh - by the way - K has birthdays but she is always 4 - she does not age.
She bonded with the therapist. Over the years the bond just grew more and more.
Then the therapist got ill and had to quit working - but the therapist kept in connect with K - daily.
The therapist even called K's dr and had her admitted (against her will) to a psych unit when the t thought the body's life was in danger because the 4 yr old could not tell the t if she was taking the daily medication that the body needs to basically stay alive. (a lot heart meds & diabetic & MS) She was taking the correct meds but the therapist did not know this.
For 3 days K was held in the psych ward. The bad part about that was - the psych ward didnt know what to do about a DID person.
And all they kept asking K was "You need to take your clothes off" They wanted her in a patient gown. She wouldnt take her clothes off.
Perps have been dressed as police, firemen and EMTs. So K does not trust anyone dressed as such.
K has stayed in connect with the therapist all this time. Calling her and leaving voice mails, emails and mail.
The perps take Kalisa and have dropped her off in town near the therapist's house.
Only once of the many times did Kalisa find the right door. Sometimes she was dropped off in the rain or snow storm.
This past Saturday the therapist texted by phone to "keep out of her life. If you show up at my door I will call the police. Do not call, text or try and contact me in any way". She allowed Kalisa to do this all this time.
Just what Kalisa needs- to be hauled off by the police.
Just more trauma for her.
It itsnt her fault that the perps take her and drop her off over by the therapist's house.
The therapist herself is DID.
We have been asked when kicked off the therapists site for art therapy - why we were not given the understanding for the post on the forum board.
Our answer was to ask her.
All we wanted was to be treated like any other member- we just for once wanted to "belong" and not be treated differently just because we are DID. The request was not anything drastic. We didnt want to be "just there" which is what we were.
And then we were accused of upsetting other members with that request.
That was not true. We emailed the other members and none of them we upset.
The only person upset was the therapist- no one else. So she booted us off the site! Unconstitutional!
Her of all people! She should read what she wrote in her introduction to the site! She did everything the regular society does to a DID person to us! She segregated us from the rest of the group just like society does. We were "just there".
At least there were members from the site that followed me off that site and give that support that is so greatly appreciated and needed.
For 2 years that therapist only lied to Kalisa - making her promises - all broken. But the bad part about it - the therapist KNEW she was not going to keep those promises.
So Saturday when that text came- Kalisa cried and cried and cried! A 4 yr old was once again - round and round- the same old thing - DONT TRUST A BIG ! THEY ONLY LIE TO YOU !
Any thing gained in therapy was only thrown out the window.
If the therapist would have read emails and listened to the phone calls- which she didnt all the time - she just deleted them- she would have known the whole situation with Kalisa.
We lost our insurance and can not afford to pay out of pocket for a therapist.
So therefore there will not be any more therapy.
We asked the therapist for recommend books to read to help us-since there will not be any therapy- but those requests were ignored. Any thing along that line was ignored.
So our only therapy is here on line- the art therapy.
Kalisa also does other collages- which she "goos"(glues) collages together. She has been doing them since going to therapy and she really enjoys it.
But she was so upset Saturday that she took 4 huge bages of pictures that she had cut out for collages(garbage bags) and threw them all away! For her to do that - she is really upset! And her "babies" havent been "taken care of" since then!
She has once again been rejected. Throw away- as she says- no good - not wanted -"onlys de baddeds mens-es wants me".
That is where Kalisa is right now.
She doesnt care - and the bad part about that is - she controls this body 99% of the time. So the emotions are an overflow from her.
This is Kalisa right now - hurt and alone - rejected by the only person who showed her kindness - to become just like the rest of the bigs she knows. The therapist doesnt realize the person she has become- hurtful, unkind and mean. And not only towards Kalisa but also towards others.