My Turns-es !!!!

Dis bees  Kawesa
Eyes  madeds  picsures  a days  heres  ons  de  wittle  tb  fings.
A  morrows  eyes  habes  toos  goes  toos  de  barneys  pwaces-es. (She calls Hershey Med Center the Barney place-that was the name for her brain tumor that was removed-that is what she called it anyways)
Eyes  habes  toos  getteds a  pecials  tests-es  fors  my hearts-es.  Sees  ifs  eyes  habes  toos  getteds  a oper-sa-tions  ons  my  hearts-es.
De  doc-cers   sayeds  dats  may bees  a  oper-sa-tions  mights  helpeds  my  sickeds   hearts-es  and dens  eyes  nots  habes  toos  getteds  a new  hearts-es ifs  de  oper-sa-tions  makeds  its  bees  betters.
Eyes  eateds  my  matoes  soups  and cackers  and  nows  eyes  bees  watchings  wheels(real)  babies  ons  de  reg-lars  tbs  nots  heres  ons  de  wittles  tbs  fings.
Afters  dats  eyes  getteds  mys  sprinklers  baffs(shower-the bad boys use to take K to a barn and afterwards throw her in a shower in the barn- it only had cold water-so she calls a shower a sprinkler)
Dere  bees  some  mores  peoples  wikeds  mees  insides  mees.
May bees  dey  makeds  picsures  waiters. (later)

My Turns-es

Dis bees  Kawesa.  Beff-knees  doings  de numbers (letters)  fors  mes.
Eyes  wanteds  sayeds  fanks  yous  (thank you)  toos  all my  friends-es   dats  makeds  picsures  heres  on de wittle  tb  fings. (computer-that is what k calls it)
Peciallys  my  friends-es  dats  writes  mees  wittles  wetters  cuz  no bodys  talkeds  toos  mees.   Eyes  wikeds  gettings  wittles  wetters  froms  ebery  bodys.

Eyes  misses   my  new  mommys  nots  gibings  mees  wittle  wetters.
Maybees  she  nots  bees  maddeds   no  mores  and  gibes  mees  a  wittles  wetters.
Dats  whats  eyes  askeds  Santa  Claws  fors  Kiss-miss.  Dats  she  makeds  mees  a  picsures  heres  justeds  fors  mees  and  calleds  mees  on  de  wittle  phones-es (cell phone)  and  sayeds  Merry 
Kiss-miss.
Dats  bees  my  Kiss-miss  wishs-es.  Eyes  hopeds  dats  Santas  cans getts  mees  dats.   Eyes  askeds  hims  how  manys  dollars  eyes  habes  toos  gibes  hims  buts  he  nots  says  yets.
Eyes  bees  berry berry  wonelys  wait-lees. (lonely lately).  No bodys  comes  sees  mees  nos  mores  and  nos  bodys  called  mees  ons de  wittles  phones-es.   Eyes  habes  nos  bodys  toos  talkeds  toos.

De  baddeds  boyses  nots  comes  heres  nos  mores  sinces  de badded  mans-es   droppeds  obers deadeds.  Eyes  bees  berry berrys  gladdeds  bouts  dats!  Now  de  nots  dews  baddeds  fings  toos  mees  nos  mores !  Buts  somes  times  eyes  finks  eyes  heardeds  fings  and some times-es  whens  eyes  bees  sweepings  (sleeping)  eyes  sees  dems  dere  ins  my  sweeps. (sleep)  Eyes  wishs-es  my mommys  bees  heres  wiffs  mees  dens.  Dens  eyes  nots  bees  sews  scareds.  Eyes  not loouds  calleds  hers  whens  eyes  getteds  scareds - she useds  lets  mees  dews  dats - nows  eyes  justeds  cwrys  and cwrys and  cwrys.  Eyes  wisheds  she  nots  bees  maddeds  ats  mees  nos  mores  nows.  Eyes  nots  dews  nuffings.  Charlies  dews  it and  dens  my  new  mommys  getteds  maddeds.
Now  eyes  nots  ebens  cans  dews  picsures  for  prizes  wheres  she  makeds  picsures.  And  eyes  wikeds  dewings  dats. :( 
May bees  her  hearts  getteds  betters  nows  dats  its  bees  Kiss-miss  and dens  eyes  cans  makeds  picsures   deres  agains.  Dats  bees berry  berry goodeds! :) 

Having a Horrible Time

Right now "we" are having a horrible time!
Kalisa is sitting and crying for her mommy - who now wants nothing to do with her - I am mean - crap - its Christmas - how about a little compassion?
Our foot gets another month in the cast - no improvement there - this coming Weds we go to see if we need to get stents and or a pacemaker for the heart and right now the head hurts so bad that even two of the most powerful pain pills made arent helping!
Plus on top of that is the holiday family crap -  just a lovely time we are having. 

Poppy has revealed there is a "dark" twin of her - no name yet and then there was finding out that Charlie is a "she" and not a "he"

We lost time yesterday - thought today is Monday - at least the clock tells me the day besides the time!
It sure is hard being only 16 and handling all this stuff.
Elizabeth only comes out once and in awhile.  Since the person she played games with quit doing so -E just doest have any interest in being out.  Doesnt see the need to do so.

And K is worried that she wont get her "Kiss-miss"  wish list.  I hope she does - it always helps the rest of us and "our" life when she is not so depressed.
Well maybe making pics will help - very tense - doesnt help the head pain!

Sorry Charlie

This is Crystal -
Charlie, who is "our" - "I want to die" part just reveiled  something to us.... "he" is a "she".
Yeap - Charlie is a girl.  So sorry Charlie for calling you a "he" for the last 3 yrs or so years.
Maybe that is why all the pics he .. oops! she has done have females in them and not males.
Just a guess on that.  She wants to die - so she makes all those dreadful pics - glad she doesnt come out more !  Hope she has a nice place to go to when she is inside......... wonder if it blows up when k blows up her internal world?
K has had ... oh about... at least 6 internal worlds that I am aware of.  And when she gets really mad - she blows them up ! (wonder what that means... her blowing up her world all the time?)
Well K wants to come out- saying it is her "turns-es"  to be on the computer.
So here is K and Bethany!
We gennas  dews  picsures  and writes  a wetters  waders.(later)

My Wetters toos Santas Claws

Dears  Santas  Claws
Dis Kawesa
Dis  bees  my wetters toos  yous  fors  whats  eyes  wants  dis  years  fors  Kiss-miss.

Eyes  sees  some  purttys  fings  eyes  wikeds  fors  my  babies  buts  eyes  nots  gennas  askeds  yous   fors  dose  prizes.(K calls presents surprises - which is her term-"prizes")

Steads  eyes  gennas  askeds  yous  fors  some fings  elses.  O-tays?

Eyes  wants  toos  askeds  yous  fors  justeds  one  fings  and  dens  fors  justed  utters  fings  toos. O-tays?
Firstest  eyes  wants toos askeds  yous  ifs  eyes  cans  getteds  a picsures froms  my  new  mommys - ones  she  makeds  justeds  fors  mees heres  on de wittle  tb  fings. (thats what K calls the computer)
She  makeds  suchs  boo-fuls  (beautiful) picsures.  And  she  makeds  dems  fors  utters  grwhirls - sews  eyes  finkeds  dats  maybees  eyes  wikeds  her  makeds  mees  ones  justeds  for  mees.

And dens  de  utter  fings  eyes  gennas  askeds  yous  fors  is  ifs  she  calleds  mees  on  de wittle  phoneses (cell phone)  and  tell-wids  mees  Merry  Kiss-miss.
Dats  bees  alls  eyes  askeds  fors  - O-tays? 
Yous  habes  toos  tell-wids  mees  how  manys  dollars  dats  bees  sews  eyes  gives  you  nuff dollars  sews  eyes  cans  gets  bowffs (both)   prizes - o-tays?
Pease  bees  carefuls  dats  nights  ins  your sweds. (sled)
Kawesa
Oh der  bees utters  fings  toos - my new  mommy wants  toos  getteds   marry-weeds   toos  her  boyfriends. Can you pease  gibes  hers  dats  prizes  fors  her  Kiss-miss  prizes?  O-tays?  huh?
Fanks  yous  (thank you)  berry  berry  muchses.  Merry  Kiss-miss, Santas  Claws!

Damn Drunks !!!!!

3:45 Am this morning-just getting to sleep when the dog flys off the bed doing her prowler barking and throat growling!
Its sleeting- you can hear it hitting the side of the house and I guess the drunks made it this far down the street!
We live on the main drag about 2-3 blocks from a couple of bars - so the drunks (including the one that lives upstairs) found their way down the street this far!  There is a 12 ft space that is almost enclosed they way they built the house next door- it is actually fastened to this house upstairs so it is almost entirely enclosed and I found out that there are several drunks that make it that far in the bad weather and flop there!  That is till I call the cops! Cant say that they werent there last night!  Foot prints in the snow again!!!!!
So no sleep again! I have lost count on how many nights it is this time around.
We lay down but never go to sleep!

One good thing about the no sleep last night - I ran across a free program and got into the the admin account(password was changed- not by me but by the asst. dist attorney's office when they had it- and I have not been able to do any updates - that meant TWO years of no updates!
So after I found that program it took almost 12 hrs for all the updates to catch up and now there is only one more small problem to fix- and then this dinosauer of a computer should run pretty good.  A little slow at times - but as long as I can get polyvore to run- I will be happy.
And now K can play her games - couldnt do it before because it needed a flash update and I couldnt do that till last night.  So she is happy about getting her games back.
Now if only she would get her "Kiss-miss"  wish - she would be in 7th heaven if she got that!

Parts have all been taking their turn coming and going.
Could have used one with alot of muscle the other day!  Needed to move a roll top desk - just push it 45 degrees - but with a broken foot even in that walking cast - it took me 3 hrs to do what would have taken 2 people ten mins to do!  And then I was shot for the next 2 days!
See the doc Friday for both the foot and the heart.  Might have to go to a reg cast and crutches the doc said - foot not healing - I cant do crutches - have no strength in the arms because of the MS - so I dont know what I am going to do. If this walking cast stays - this foot might not be healed till summer!!!!  Bummer!!!!
Great big bummer!!!!

K sorted out some "warmest clothes"  for her babies - that is a 2-3 hr ordeal when she changes clothes on her babies.  She is trying to decide if they should go in their "Kiss-miss" clothes now or wait closer to Christmas.
Either way - thats a two day ordeal - changing them twice so close together.  She saw a new baby she would like- but it will have to wait. Wasnt even an expensive one - but food comes first right now.
Next thing we have to buy is a good portable heater.
This place is like living in a barn!  So cold and drafty.  Even the tortioses have stayed in their hide where it is warm.  They venture out once in a 24 hr period to eat and go right back in to get warm again!  If their body temp isnt a certain temperture - they cant digest their food.  I guess thats why some hibernate - these dont.  They are the only tortioses/turtles that do not hibernate.  I really should work on their blog site now that I got this running - couldnt put pics on it because it needed a java update to do it!
Guess there isnt any excuse now!

That is if all parts cooperate.  Some dont mind time spend on here - some watch and see what is going on - others dont like on here.  K would live on here if she could.
Poppy was out for a little bit-did a pic on polyvore yesterday. At least Charlie isnt around right now. He is the "I want to die" part.
Not sure what Poppy's job is.  I think she is between 12 and 14 yrs old.  Somewhere in there....
Well need to go look to see where those footprints all went - it is light outside now.
I just wish the drunks, tramps and preps would all find some place "nicer" to go  to - like in not here at all !!!!!!!!!!

Flashbacks ?

Dont know if these are flashbacks or what - this is terrible not having someone to guide you through all this crap !!!
Have been getting all this stuff when the host body went into the USAF in 1972.
Names coming up - like Sgt McDainels (I think it is McDainels) and Airman Fox  and a basic trainee with the intials I think of  J.S.
Only can remember that there was a room-mate who was from Alaska who was gay - left "us" alone and would visit a room down the hall and that this body did not attend the graduation ceremonies because of being on crutches with a sprained ankle.   That is all that can be remembered out of 6 weeks at Lackland AF Base.
Is that all that "we" are suppose to remember? Was the rest brain-washed out of memory? On purpose?
And then Sheppard AF Base - was in charge of a dorm - on purpose? Was it because then the "right" people were left in the dorm or certain people were allowed to come and go as they pleased?
I remember being told about something we saw and then were told - "you did not see that-that did not happen." That I can recall ...... very -very  few memories from that time period also.........can remember some trauma that happened from that time period...........wonder if that was on purpose.........
Does having these flashbacks/memories that were forgotten and now remembered - does it make other DID victims feel like they are going paranoid???????
Does that feeling having to do with programming that it makes us feel like we are going crazy so we DONT remember things??????????  That we arent suppose to remember things?????????
SHit..shit...shit !!!!!!!!!

Big Time Sabotage !!!!!!

This is Elizabeth
Kalisa is depressed - really bad right now - so "us" bigs can come through.
For nebies to "our system"
 I am the adult part that took over the host body after the host  decide this world is not worth living in. She went on "bacations" (vacation) as kalisa calls it.

But I just had a thought pop into my brain.
Big time sabotage and all parties involved have played right into the perps (or if you want to call them mind controllers-new word for us in this life- where I got it????)

It has to do with mind-body connection and mind control.
If these perps(thats whats I am going to call them here) have brain washed people so bad - then that means that mind-body connection would also work.  Right ?

Does that mean that if "we" me got too close to remembering something important (to the perps) that if I would not shut up about it - could they some how have brain washed the therapist - and some how I was purposely directed to go to that therapist - that since I was too close to that memory - ..... could the therapist then some how have been brain washed into having a mind-body incident and become disabled - so not to be able to continue being a therapist - and in the end have a part (ours) sabotage all or any therapy given so that there would never be any hope of having that memory surface???????????

What is that memory?
What is so important to the perps that they did not want me to remember or have the therapist know?
What were "we" getting so close to that this would happen?
How many sabotage parts exists inside me to have sabotaged "us"' recently?
How is that memory related or intertwined with the therapist?

What will happen now that the main bad man is dead? (as K says "He  droppeds  obers  deadeds!" -had a heart attack last time the bad boys took K)

What was so important?
What dont they want "us" to remember?
What?

Bads Mans Gots Deadeds !!!!

Dis Kawesa  -  Guess whats?  De  baddeds  mans  getteds  deadeds!!!!!  (K very excited)
De  baddeds  boys  kid-snappeds  mees  de  utters  days  and  dey  takeds  mees  toos  de wittles  cabins.
De  baddeds  mans-es  bees  deres  and  he  getted  berry  maddeds  cuz  deys  brings  mees  deres  wiffs  my  brokeds  foots.

De  baddeds  mans-es  hollereds  and  hollereds  and  dens  he  falleds  downs.  He  not  getteds  ups.
De  baddeds  boyses  tryeds  toos  getted  hims  ups  buts  he  nots  wakeds  ups  -  he justs  wayeds  deres  doings  nuff-fings.
Dens  one  baddeds  boys  puts  his  hands  on  de  baddeds    
 mans-es  necks  and   he  sayeds  dats  de  baddeds  mans-es  droppeds  obers  deads.  De  baddeds  mans-es  bees  deadeds !

Sews  de  baddeds  boys  puts  hims  in  de  trucks  and takeds  him  some wheres  and dey  bringeds  mees  toos  my  houses.

Translation- K was taken by the bad boys to the cabin - the bad man was there and got upset after he saw her broken foot and started to yell - and according to K  he fell over - dead!  The bad boys loaded him up in a truck and took him somewhere and brought  K  home!  Maybe they will leave her alone now- forever!!!  That would be so nice!!!

Understanding Kalisa

This is Crystal - Kalisa is extremely depressed.  This is the time that she lets her guard down and Charlie comes out.  Charlie is the "I want to die" part and does those suicide collages.
It is all because of a phone text we got last Saturday. (by the way for those who text us - as of the 9th of this month we dropped texting and other options off our phone- financial reasons - need that $11 towards food).

I need to expalin about Kalisa
Kalisa is the 4 year part created long ago - because of an uncle (who is now deceased- thank goodness!) She was sexually abused but not just by him - he had created a circle of perps and used Kalisa to train them.
Kalisa today is still used to train the perp ring.  They have created  layer upon layers of triggers to get her out and then take her and abuse her. 
There have been multiple perps - starting some at a young age.

Almost 5 years ago "we" were dx as having DID and recommended to a therapist which knew about DID and what to do for them.
Kalisa never trusted anyone before.
It was her job to handle the perps hurt.
And the only comfort she found was in taking care of her "babies". At the age of 4 - it was her brothers and sisters. Now it is her Aston Drake dolls- they look like real babies-and she treats them like real babies.

It took 6 months for the therapist to gain her trust - for Kalisa to "come out" and talk to her.
Over the months Kalisa became very close to the therapist and even called her "my new mommy".
All K wanted was to have that "mother" figure and love that she never had at the real age of 4.
Oh - by the way - K has birthdays  but she is always 4 - she does not age.
She bonded with the therapist.  Over the years the bond just grew more and more.

Then the therapist got ill and had to quit working - but the therapist kept in connect with K - daily.
The therapist even called K's dr and had her admitted (against her will) to a psych unit when the t thought the body's life was in danger because the 4 yr old could not tell the t if she was taking the daily medication that the body needs to basically stay alive. (a lot heart meds & diabetic & MS)  She was taking the correct meds but the therapist did not know this.
For 3 days K was held in the psych ward. The bad part about that was - the psych ward didnt know what to do about a DID person.
And all they kept asking K was "You need to take your clothes off"  They wanted her in a patient gown.  She wouldnt take her clothes off.

Perps have been dressed as police, firemen and EMTs.  So K does not trust anyone dressed as such.
K has stayed in connect with the therapist all this time.  Calling her and leaving voice mails, emails and mail.
The perps take Kalisa and have dropped her off in town near the therapist's house.
Only once of the many times did Kalisa find the right door.  Sometimes she was dropped off in the rain or snow storm.

This past Saturday the therapist texted by phone to "keep out of her life. If you show up at my door I will call the police.  Do not call, text or try and contact me in any way".  She allowed Kalisa to do this all this time.
Just what Kalisa needs- to be hauled off by the police. 
Just more trauma for her.
It itsnt her fault that the perps take her and drop her off over by the therapist's house.
The therapist herself is DID.
We have been asked when kicked off the therapists site for art therapy - why we were not given the understanding for the post on the forum board.
Our answer was to ask her.
All we wanted was to be treated like any other member- we just for once wanted to "belong"  and not be treated differently just because we are DID.  The request was not anything drastic. We didnt want to be "just there"  which is what we were.
And then we were accused of upsetting other members with that request.
That was not true.  We emailed the other members and none of them we upset.
The only person upset was the therapist- no one else.  So she booted us off the site! Unconstitutional!
Her of all people!  She should read what she wrote in her introduction to the site!  She did everything the regular society does to a DID person to us! She segregated us from the rest of the group just like society does. We were "just there".
At least there were members from the site that followed me off that site and give that support that is so greatly appreciated and needed.

For 2 years that therapist only lied to Kalisa - making her promises - all broken.  But the bad part about it - the therapist KNEW she was not going to keep those promises.
So Saturday when that text came- Kalisa cried and cried and cried!  A 4 yr old was once again - round and round- the same old thing - DONT  TRUST  A  BIG !  THEY  ONLY LIE  TO  YOU !
Any thing gained in therapy was only thrown out the window.

If the therapist would have read emails and listened to the phone calls- which she didnt all the time - she just deleted them- she would have known the whole situation with Kalisa. 
We lost our insurance and can not afford to pay out of pocket for a therapist.
So therefore there will not be any more therapy.
We asked the therapist for recommend books to read to help us-since there will not be any therapy- but those requests were ignored.  Any thing along that line was ignored.

So our only therapy is here on line- the art therapy.
Kalisa also does other collages- which she "goos"(glues) collages together.  She has been doing them since going to therapy and she really enjoys it.
But she was so upset Saturday that she took 4 huge bages of pictures that she had cut out for collages(garbage bags) and threw them all away!  For her to do that - she is really upset!  And her "babies" havent been "taken care of"  since then!

She has once again been rejected.  Throw away- as she says-  no good - not wanted -"onlys  de  baddeds  mens-es  wants  me".
That is where Kalisa is right now.
She doesnt care - and the bad part about that is - she controls this body 99% of the time.  So the emotions are an overflow from her.
This is Kalisa right now - hurt and alone - rejected by the only person who showed her kindness - to become just like the rest of the bigs she knows. The therapist doesnt realize the person she has become- hurtful, unkind and mean.  And not only towards Kalisa but also towards others.

Rough Nite

Well another sleepless nite!   Fire sirens going off left and right! Guess half the town burned down or something with all the sirens!
Doesnt help K - she panics any more when she hears a siren - just like the train whistles.  High alert mode with all those noises!

And then that stupid trap door outside!  Didnt know about that before signing a lease!  Would have thought twicw about that!  Wouldnt be too bad if we could put a lock on it -cant because of the gas meter down there having to be read by the meter man!

Someone around 3 AM came up the steps !  Wish I could do something to catch whoever is doing it- I think it is the same person.  They can hear when I call 911 - police did say last winter that it looked like someone was sleeping down there in the cellar-but they can hear me call and leave before the police get here.

Dont think it is a perp - think it is a local drunk - usually happens after the bars are closed and this place was empty for awhile and I guess a few of them flopped here!
The dog lets me know when someone is around. 
Kalisa has excellant hearing!  The rest of us - well the hearing dr wrote a prescription for 2 hearing aids!
So thank goodness for the dog!  Not that anyone would be afraid of a 6 lb poodle!  Or a couple of baby tortoises waltzing around!  The best they could do is pee on them if they picked them up! They dont go for strangers.

Kalisa is upset - when she gets like this she lets her guard down-if she stays "happy" then she is more alert of what is going on around her.  I dont know how to get her in a "happy" mood right now.  She really is depressed. Besides polyvore art she draws pics that she has put on here and "goos" (glues) collages together.  A highlight of this 4 yr olds day is getting the mail to see what pictures she can cut out for collages.  She had boxes of pics saved!

At least Charlie has retreated for now.  He needs to stay where ever he goes when not out. We have enough chaos in our life right now - dont need him around.  Anthony -a 8yr old part - created chaos when we first discovered we were DID.  He is in a room created just for him and he hasnt created any chaos since then.
Sadie has been quiet- she is the shopper-holic.  She did a number with the credit cards about 6 yrs ago!

Elizabeth hasnt been around except very breifly a couple days ago. She is an adult part that took over the host when Terry decided life wasnt worth being around for. So terry retreated inside and hasnt been around for ..oh.. about 5 yrs.
And since Elizabeth decided she wasnt really needed - because there isnt any therapy to worry about - I took over the driving and making sure we get to where we need to go. Thats me- Crystal.  I never drove before and that was really something when I drove for the first time!  Had to go to Hershey to the dr.  A very interesting trip!  I'm 16.
And then there are a bunch of others -Anatasia, Jonathan, Agelina, Corrie, Charity, Amanda, Samantha, Hope, Christy, Alisa, Amy&April, Heather, Abby, Alexandria, Mandy, Casey, a teen boy(no name yet), anger(no name), Shadowman, the Guardian, the Guide ,Bethany and a few others.  Thats us - our family.

Oh and we cant forget Kalisa's babies - Jaden, Ashley, baby Tedi, Jonathan, Destiny, Bethany, Emmie(awake) and Emmie (sleeping) (2dolls one awake,one sleeping), Amie, Stephanie, a teddy bear without a name, and cant forget Nesbit! Oh and Maling.  I think thats it - no- I forgot  "poor Annie"! And all her stuffed animals!

Well that is a very quick intro to "us". Guess I need to do something productive today seeing how we slept all day yesterday!
Later-Crystal

Never Thought another DID victim

Never in our wildest dream - did we think that "we" would be treated just like the rest of the uneducated society treats us!  And especially from a person who use to be a therapist!
When a rogue part-really a sabotage part- posted on a forum board on her site for adult abuse survivors- about just wanting to be treated like the rest of the members of the site - "we" got booted off!

And "we" were ask by other members of that site why "we" were not given the understanding, empathy and compassion we should have been given rather then the treatment we were given.  Ask her.
The reason was an extremely poor one.  Some other members are in a worst situation then we are - with more possibilities of what was sited for the reason of being banned then we are.
Our place of residence has NOT been entered for over 6 months and the same with the other reason that she stated - that also is a thing of the past for 5-6 months.  Not so for other members from what has been stated. Why havent they been banned?  And the last reason - well when a whole family is in jeopardy I think that is worst then just our 4 yr old part!

All I was asking for was the same treatment - the same support any other member was being given - nothing more.
It just hurts so to know that a fellow DID person can be like that.
When the site was to support each other - to be there for each other - help each other- learn from each other.

I thank the members that have followed me from that site and are still giving me that support-no I cant read the forum board and learn any thing from that - nor can I vote on pics or join in the contest - maybe someday she will realize her mistake and I only hope that she doesnt cont to ban people from the site - especially for reasons of why we were.

Thank you everyone for all your support you have given "us".  Kalisa enjoys talking with all of you - please know that "we" try to keep her as safe as we possibly can - at all times.  Sometimes though- "we" are blocked by K and fail.  She is stronger then any of us.
We have ask in the past for reading material to help us (our request was ignored) - we lost our therapist and no longer have any insurance that will cover therapy.

We are on our own.  We only have this group for support - all family and friends deserted us long ago.
We greatly value each and every one of you and consider each a valued and trusted friend.
We are there for you also.
Feel free to "talk" whenever you need to.  "We" will listen with an open heart.
safe hugs & be safe
Crystal, Kalisa(Kawesa) and all

Update for Polyvore followers

Hi!  This is Crystal (I am a 16 yr old part)
For the polyvore followers - if you do not see art work or get an answer from "us" (Kalisa or any others)
it usually is because the perps have gotten Kalisa.
They sometimes keep her for 2 days - one time 4 days.
"We" are not missed by anyone because all our friends and family have deserted us - so there isnt anyone to check on us.
The local police call us "crazy' and the littles and myself do not trust them anyways.  Some of the perps dress as police, firemen and EMTs in the past.  So "we" do not know who is good or bad.
So please do not think we are upset with you. OK?
And yes the perps had Kalisa for several days.
Took her to another barn where they had a half grown lioness tied up - told K that if she didnt do as they said - they would turn the "lion" on her to let it eat her!
Where they got the critter - who knows!

What a Nite !

This is Crystal - K is actually hiding right now!
She ran when the cops beat and I mean beat on our front door and picture window around 9 PM tonight!
There is this lady that lives several doors down the street - she said she tried to call us on the phone but it went straight to voice mail - then she knocked on the back door and the side window and she said she only heard the dog bark.
Well I was in the shower at the time and couldnt hear the knocking and the phone was turned off charging.
So she called the cops!  (I fell several days ago and couldnt get up and layed on the floor for about an hour till the pain wasnt so bad that I could get up- I told her about this not knowing she is a worrier)
So when I didnt answer her knocking and the bit with the phone - she called the police.  They came banging and hollering "This is the police"  - even the lady above me came down to see what was going on.
I had to remind everyone that I am very hard of hearing and dont hear the knocking, or the phone ringing sometimes.  The dog is trained to alert me when the phone rings and barks when someone is at the door.  But in the shower - I hear nothing.

So K ran when the police came-both because the perps sometimes are in police uniforms and the one time they came to the door and "we" ended up on the psych ward.  So police and K do not get along. So is in hiding for now.
I guess that is good-no perps abduction when I am out!
But that doesnt help the nerves and just upsets the stomach and makes the head hurt.
Oh well-maybe later we can get some sleep!

Long Over Due Update

I am Crystal - I am this body's 16 yr old part.  I encourge you to start at the beginning of this blog and also visit other sites on DID. (strongly suggest the one to the right)
The host bowed out over 3-4 yrs ago and left Elizabeth -an adult part to take over.
She started this blog and started with a little history of the host's life story and a bit of our life story.
This site can be triggering for some- so please be careful.  It is not meant to cause harm or anxiety to anyone.

Kalisa - the 4 yr old part - is the strongest part of our system   She has control when ever she wants and for as long as she wants.  She is "out" most of the time.  "We" are functional as far as daily living - the host had to quit nursing 5-6 yrs ago.  Not only because of DID but also because of multiple other medical problems.
Kalisa (as well as the host body) has always had an above average intelligence. She can be a "little stinker"!
(Such as right now she jumped out and said -"Eyes  nots a stinkers- eyes  nots  bees  stinkeds!")
She also insists that you type words the way she pronouns them.  Because not only of the abuse but also the neglect - Kalisa does have a speech problem.

Presently Kalisa is not letting Elizabeth out-why she is not saying.  She will let me out - I can do the driving-
she lets Bethany out - I think she is around 8 yrs old - Bethany helps K (Kalisa) here on the computer.
Please have pateince with us - we are not too very smart when it come to this computer and the how toos. And it doesnt help when other littles delete the help that is emailed to us.

I am going to try and keep this site up to date - since I found it.
"We" do art therpy work on Polyvore - under E & K -stands for Elizabeth and Kalisa.  Elizabeth started that site also for K.
Crystal

Killed During Surgery

Well it has been awhile since anything has been posted here.
Kalisa got into polyvore and doing art work there. She still "goos picsures" and has started another scrapbook. She does most on pages for a scrapbook and keeps them some what organized that way.
Only wish all her 100's of pics she cuts out daily were that organizes!

Well 2 wks ago "we" had a repeat of the "butt" surgery done again.
The surgery itself went OK but the recovery wasnt. I should have been home by noon the same day instead of being admitted to ICU at 9:30 PM that night!
The stupid recovery nurse gave this body a morphine IV push every time I said I hurt and ended up over dosing me on it!
"we" quit breathing and was basically "dead" for 3-5 mins until they decided to try and reverse the overdose! They had given me 18 morphine IV pushes when it should have only been 6 !!!!
Kalisa said she remembers standing at the head of the bed and watching them trying to reverse their mistake! She said she was "an angel" for "justs a wittles bits".
Heart rate went to 37 -breathing a big fat ZERO and BP then lowest it has ever been!
Even now the BP is still so low that I dont need the 5 BP pills that I take daily!

That was a horrible experience and I havent been able to sleep since then!
Then the Monday night after that was done (done that past Friday) I was home and started to hemorrhage! I rode it out! For 2 days all I did was get the dog out 2x a day and then lay in bed- I hurt sooooo bad and tried to take pain pills and only ended up puking my guts out after taking them! I guess the morphine wasnt out of my body yet and my body was rejecting any more pain medicine! Guess this body would never be able to over dose on pain meds! Too much in the system and the body just pukes it out!

The perps were around 3 nights ago. Blow that damn cigarette smoke in the window AC unit! Made the whole place stink!
But -Kalisa didnt open the door! Good girl!!!!

Oh I should have said that this is Crystal typing here. I am the 16 yr old part. Elizabeth "went on vacation" as Kalisa calls it.
E said that she isnt needed anymore and that me being 16 should be able to handle a 4 yr old - so E has left the scene.
Kalisa has learned something new- not a good thing really - she has learned how to talk in a grown up voice when she has to and if you dont know her - you would never know that you really were talking to a 4 yr old!
She is in control of the body most of the time anymore. "We" usually are just here at home and she just plays with her dolls or takes the dog out when she has to go out.

The necessary things get done - and "we" really only just exist.
No one but perps come around - no one ever calls "us" and therapy is a thing of the past.
Since I only have medicare the therapy bill isnt covered and "we" cant afford the bill - so there will not be any more therapy for us.

Things still are not unpacked from our move May a year ago - but that isnt a priority. It will get done when it gets done.
K has fun with her "torguses" (tortoises). The 2 oldest are not caged any more- they have a room of their own that they roam around in - the other two are still in the cage till next May when they will be 2 yrs old and old enough to roam out of the cage. Also big enough that you can see them and not step on them!

Maybe I can get someone to tell me how to link this to polyvore and then you can see K's collages. If she draws anything for on here I will be sure to add it.
Perps around again tonight but K isnt out right now - she stays just behind the scene so "she" doesnt feel the body's pain! Little stinker has learned alot of new tricks!
Anybody have ant suggestions what to do with here?
Later

The Mind is in Never-neverland!

It is really bad when you cant remember the day, date or if it is AM or PM !
Forgot the time of surgery yesterday and was 45mins late getting there.

Kalisa has discovered polyvore and Bethany helps her on there doing her collages.
K still likes to cut pictures out and "goo" them together. She has boxes and boxes of pictures that she thinks are important.
I guess they would be if there was a therapist that would see her.
No one wants us!
Either we are told dont take your insurance, dont do DID, dont want DID or the best one is - dont want you!

The rejection of the many different aspects of "our" life are just getting so very overwhelming!

There are several new"parts" that have made themselves known. I wonder how many "parts" can live in your head before you just go totally nuts! Or how many times you can be taken and repeatedly raped - over and over again until the perps do you in. Just how long can this poor body last?

Havent seen or talked to anyone I know for so long - no wonder Kalisa has taken over -she is the only "one" that gets any enjoyment inbetween the creepy perps taking her. She has her "babies" and toys that occupy her. Really it is a sad and lonely life for a 4 yr old.
I really think it was her doing being late for surgery yesterday.

This afternoon we have a major test to have done on the kidneys - to see if they are shutting down. Then in 2 wks we go to see when the metal plate comes out of the head.
No one comes any more to see us when we are in the hospital. So to "us" it has become just another day.
"We" are just plain forgotten.
According to others - this body's life is not worth the medical expense to save.

So Sad

It is so sad to read this - things that are written by all the "parts".
Knowing that "we" will always be stuck in limbo and at the mercy of the perps that get Kalisa to come out . They have her programmed so well!

"We" have some what mastered the polyvore site for therapy art work.
But have been cut off of it and other sites we went to because of a person's fear.
It just makes you feel even more so alone and wondering why you should keep trying.
Someone or something always seems to be shooting you down.

A new part revealed herself just the other day. Another young girl- Su Ling. She made 2 collages on polyvore. The kids seem to like that site alot. I guess because they dont get sticky fingers from the glue!

No one really cares about another person anymore in this world.
They all just seem to think about themselves.

Where did the out stretched hand go?
The one that you could turn to - who would be there when you needed someone just to be there?
That seems to be a thing of the past any more.
I wonder if that will ever return?

Another Part

Hi to the world!
Crap as it may be!
I am Crystal - I am sixteen and presently "in charge" when Kalisa is not out - seeing how Elizabeth decided that the real world was not worth being in anymore.

She said she she doesnt have any outside support and last week 4 therapists groups "rejected us" she said it wasnt worth trying to cope with the outside world. So she said goodbye and who knows where she went.
One group said they had their quota of DID people, another said they dont believe in it - one said they dont have time for DID people and the last said that DID people take up too much time!
Real nice! Right!

So I guess "our" therapy days are over with - I dont think she is ever coming back and even if she did she would have to be in an office that took Medicare and medicaid because we cant afford to pay since Purdential confiscated the $700 a month for the next 2 years!
So "we" will never heal,ever know coping skills and as Kalisa says - "maybe the badded boyses will makeds mees getteds deadeds and dens eyes bees an angels and neber getteds hurteds genns."
Terrible way to have to think for a 4 yr old. But what can I say.
I hvae a had enough time remembering to pay the bills let allone the dr appointments - I l et Kalisa out at home but right nowshe is so depressed she doesnt even play with her dolls. And for her that is really really bad!

I guess I am glad that no one reads this. Elizabeth use to write on her - I found this by accident going through her boookmarks. So I thought what the heck - I wouold write on here once in aawhile. Cant hurt anything. Right?

Cant Sleep!

This body hurts so bad!

The head aches so much it hurts to lay it on a pillow! And it is a very soft pillow!

Try eating and just get sick - have lost over 10lbs this past week.

Have to take a pill just so I dont throw up all the other pills to stay alive.

Stay alive for what? more agony?

Kalisa runs and hides so SHE doesnt throw up. The only time she runs and hides. How it was tried in therapy for her to run inside - now she does it just so SHE doesnt get sick! But she isnt totally inside-she does sit and rock - and rock and rock!

She doesnt come out but just does that rocking!

I was thinking earlier - what did I- me Elizabeth ever get out of therapy?

I never ask to go to therapy - that was Dr F's idea for Terry to go and then the shrink's suggestion for a therapist.

And look where it got me - I was better off just staying inside and not ever coming out. I wonder what would have happened if I didnt come out when Terry decided to "go on vacation" as Kalisa calls it.

Who would have taken over?

I didnt ask for this miserable life.

Kalisa didnt ask for it either. Look where it has gotten her. No where-nothing has been done to help her- no one cares to help or wants to help!

The shrink quit on us, the therapist quit on us - there is a year long waiting list for a therapist who is qualified in DID- there just isnt any help out there for us.

Family, friends and others have totally distanced themselves from us.

Art therapy was helping - but now I dont even care to do that. K likes to just cut out the pictures. She use to do one collage-finish it before starting another- now she has about six different ones started and not finished.

Her concentration is going down hill- for finishing something before starting something else.

The confusion and noise in the head is horrible!

If you tried and tell someone about it and how you feel - they would just look at you like you are crazy!

The local police think that I am a crazy old lady! They just look at me when they pass me when I am outside with the dog. One of the guys is actually afraid of me! When he sees me he turns and practically runs the other way!

I havent talked to anyone in the outside world for over a week!

I dont even know if I would know how to have a normal conversation with a person because it has been so long since I sat down with another person and talked!

Well K is trying to come out. What the hell! I am going to let her and not try and stop her from coming out any more. Then I dont have to feel the miserable body when I am inside!

Deceit-Lies & Broken Promises

Deceit-Lies & Broken promises ........Three things you might consider little or insignificant to a child but they are three of the fastest ways to loose trust and respect from a child.

If you have no intention of keeping a promise dont lie about it or be deceitful about it - be an adult and tell the child like it is. The truth may hurt them but a lie will hurt even more and be remembered a long time afterwards! And that goes for both internal and external children!

SO Sad

I am so sad!
I check the posts from a person "we" know and it is so amazing how her and Kalisa's collages have the same themes and types of pictures in them on them same days.
Kalisa says it is because of "their silber freds" (silver thread).
That is part of their bond - but it is really spooky to see the similarities in the collages and know that both of them were working on them at approximately the same time. But the collages have different meanings for each person.

Why am I sad?
Because I know that Kalisa's misses her"friend" so much and is so in tune with her that it hurts me. And I think I shed just as many tears because of this as Kalisa does because of not seeing or hearing from her friend.
How do you explain the reason of why all this is happening to an innocent 4 yr old?

Liars

I hate liars! But then I think almost everyone does.

So why then do people think you are stupid and lie to you?

This body is totally useless. Our lives are totally meaningless. No one cares. No one calls, no one comes by, there is absolutely NO outside contact except for doctors. And why go to them? Only to get more pills shoved down my throat. And for what? A pill collection?

I let K out alot - there really isnt any reason even for me - Elizabeth. Kalisa is sometimes just happy playing. But the desertion is even getting to her. She is getting to the point where she doesnt care if the "badded boyses" do anything to her. That is because there isnt anyone out there that cares - basically who gives a damn!

Loneliness is like hate - it can consume you.

Mystery Mind

Well havent done anything here for awhile.

Been living at the doctors again.

Have a new pill, more weekly lab work and feel worse instead of better!

I hate when things are planned for the day and you have to cancel because you are too busy holding your head over the toilet pucking your guts out!

Here is the mood for the day!

Kalisa was taken again by those jerks! I dont know what trigger they are using to get her to open the door - it is a new one. And I cant figure it out!

They gave her something- besides a laxative because she got sick from what ever they gave her and she started to vomit so they brought her back home but not before they gave her a laxative on top of whatever made her sick. Made her extremely dizzy also. The laxative I guess is punishment for not being a "good girl" for them! A****holes!!!!!!!!!

She has been busy making her "picsures". She has all kinds! She would like to learn how to do the computer herself but she wont let anyone out long enough to learn how.

She is in control again - only lets bigs out when necessary. I guess that is why this place still isnt together. If she would just let me out for about 2 days - 2 days where you arent sick - I could get this place together and then she wouldnt have to go through containers looking for things.

Ugh!!! The people upstairs must have glued something! The glue smell is drifting down here! Sure hope it wont hurt the "torguses"!

Harmony tried to get out this AM. He couldnt quite reach high enough to get his front let up to the bottom of the door - sooo- he got the bright idea if just maybe - if he stood on top of Ashiee - he would be high enough to reach the bottom of the door and pull himself up! He probably would have made it out but Ashiee just didnt like the idea of having that lard a*** stand on top of him!!! SO Ashiee foiled Harmony's plan and moved! Harmony fell over!

Wish I had my camera handy- would have made some good pics!

Was the only good chuckle is the pass month or so! K wants to do a post but I am not up to her mood right now so she will just have to wait!

Too many - too much going on upstairs right now in my head! It is like a shouting match - no stopping it! Like bombs going off inside your head! And then the bodys pain has been really bad lately. The heart isnt doing very well-the other night I thought it was just going to stop! It would do that horrible flip flopping that it does! That is the most horrible feeling ever!

Sirens

K has been very busy with her art work.
Many different ideas are expressed in her work these past several weeks.

She (with the help of Bethany, an 8 yr old part) has discovered polyvore and how to collage on there. She said she likes to "goo picsures" better.

"We" havent been bothered by the perps for the past week - I guess too cold outside.
But I was wondering about the mean pit bull dog that someone left loose - it attacked a puppy- min pincher- and all but bit its head off! It had to be put to sleep - nothing could be done for it. (Its head was almost totally tore off).

So K has been told NOT to go out after dark so Tierra wont be attacked. Tierra is only 6 lbs - smaller then the puppy that was killed.
And I dont know if the dog would attack a person - so out came the puppy pads! Tierra can use them at night is she needs them!

Also there is now a black dodge ram truck added to the perps vehicles.
K says that was the last kind of truck that took her to the cabin where they raped and tormented her. That is something new also. Tormenting her before and or after raping her.

And there must be something with a person in a police officer uniform.
We live 2 blocks fron the police station and 1/2 block from the fire station.
It took her awhile to get over all the sirens - but the last two weeks she is afraid of the cop car sirens and when ever she sees a policeman or cop car.
She wont say what happened - only freaked out the other day when out with the dog and a police car pulled in beside my car. He was running the plates ???
Dont know why.

K wont sleep at night any more. Keeps a light on all night and if she can help it - stays awake all night and sleeps during the day. She sometimes doesnt sleep for 3 or 4 days. She wont take a bath at night. Waits till the AM.
She says she is afraid to sleep in the dark. Even checks the door locks 3 or 4 times a night to make sure that they are locked!
I cant get out of her what it is all about.

I just wish those creeps would leave this body alone!
I am tired of being the "practice" body for them.
I am tired and sore and dont feel very well right now. Have been sick for the past week.

Here is K's polyvore art.
Interesting - site wont let me add a pic!
Will have to try later!

Terry's Post

Well it is very interesting to see what "my" parts have been doing!
Granted I really havent been around for 3 years - no need for me to be- Elizabeth is doing a great job! I just might disappear for good.

This body is going to hell! It now needs 4 more surgeries - this year- and who knows what else!
Cant believe that Kalisa does her astral projection thing and watches the surgeries -more power to her!
And her empathy thing she has - glad it is only with her special friend!
I guess our therapist has no plan on coming back as a therapist.
Funny how at that same time the shrink "fired" me and and the therapist quits.
But then there really isnt a future for me.
A dysfunctional family and a dysfunctional life!


This place is claustrophobic! No room to move around or for any thing!
Kalisa I see has a corner of one room. AT least she has good taste in dolls!
I see the living room still has the collage mess -
Elizabeth has done good with the little bit of money there is to live on.
People dont know how lucky they are to be working!
SS benefits suck! No money to do anything!
And fight with doctors! I see more pill bottles sitting over there with that mess.


Kalisa still isnt use to all the sirens - only live a half of block from the fire house and 2 blocks from the police station. Another bunch that have labeled me " a crazy old lady". And the railroad track is right behind this place - a really good location for her to live at. All the noises that spook her.

See that the as***holes are still calling her out and raping her. I guess the only way that is going to stop is if they kill her or I die. I will never get any help.
Not from the police or from the medical community.

All alone - always have been and I guess always will be.


I liked Kalisa's description of the "jail" time she did. That kind of was cute.
Totally unnecessary for that lock up - it was a farce any ways. They call that a psych ward! What a laugh!

She is out most of the time. Even pops out in the car. She was self sufficient as a 4 yr old year years ago and becoming so once again.
I guess that is why this place still isnt totally together. It would only take about 2 days to get it together but I guess with her out - that just isnt a priory to her.
But then she is only 4 yrs old!


Oh well - so goes the life of this body!

I guess since everyone else is doing such a good job I can just disappear for good. No one misses me now or has for the last 3 years - so why hang around?

Good luck group! Bye forever!

Why Cant Life Be Simple ?

Art therapy is good for the soul!

It helps release all kinds of emotions.

And it doesnt have to be a collage of pictures - it can just be a picture that is colored.

Below the first two are Kalisa's.

Not all art work is depressing or despairing.

Piggys playing in the mud!

A rainbow for her favorite person!

Some "Happy" art work as the day started out.

Trying out some new markers -dont like them. They bleed through and the colors are not good. What happened to the orange? It looks brown! I will let Kalisa have them!

The "little boy's" house.

Kalisa says a little boy lives in a picture that was hanging in her therapist's office.He needed help to get away from the "badded mens".

She would talk to him and he would talk to her.

So goes the life of a "DID""!

And the day was still going pretty good-

until..............................................

You get the mail!

My disability check is going to be held till the company gets over $17,000.00 that they say I OWE THEM !!!! RIGHT!!!!

I am hoping that my checking acct is not over drawn! Would be the very first time in my life that that every happened!

So I guess they arent getting any money!

Besides they are on my bankruptcy. So they arent getting anything anyways!

Then..................................................

I go to the drug store to pick up my bag of pills that keep me alive and they tell me that co-pay will be $100 a month for all of them till I reach my deductible.

YEAH-RIGHT!!!!!!

Remember the bank acct numner is ZERO!!!!

Now just where am I going to get a hundred dollars a month when the yo-yos are holding my check?

Any reason to become depressed?

Or just maybe severely depressed and sit down on the floor and bawl your head off?

Any reason to just say what the hell-would be better off dead so who needs all those pills any how?

And so goes the daily life of this DID person.

And other people think they have problems!!!!!!!!

Another Looooong Nite!

These are my anger rocks for the day! Need something to beat on and take the anger away! Anger for everthing today!

What is the missing piece?
Am I the missing piece?
Where is the missing piece?

Why do they have to pick on Kalisa?

Why cant they just leave her alone?

I am soooooo tired of those creeps!

I am so confused! It is hard to thnk - I cant remember what I am doing in the middle of doing something!

I hate this!

We Live in the House We Built

We -all parts-alters- live in the house we built.
Sometimes the house changes shape, size, color,location -especially when Kalisa decides to blow it up and then makes a new one! She has done that several times now in the past three years since therapy started. Currently- we dont have one!

She made herself one but alters were not included in that "construction".The above are pictures of some of the littles - she was going to put their names by their pics but I guess she got sided track into something else! But yes there are that many running around upstairs! Kalisa and Bethany are the only littles that "come out". Bethany helps Kalisa on the computer. That is the only time she comes out. The rest of the littles for now- stay inside but they are there!

Below is a combined effort of all the littles- all age groups- that made this collage- it is only one - once again done on over sized paper and dittys here doesnt know how to make it one!

So you figure it out!

I'll help - it is the littles ad for a therapist -

My Turnses !!!

Kalisa wants her turn here!

They had her over Christmas and New Years.

She still hasnt opened her Christmas presents. They are still sitting unopened under a little 2 ft tree - which she doesnt want taken down or turned on. ???

She did get 2 new "babies" - she wasnt even excited about getting them. The only thing she did was to dress them in warmer clothes.

Her "babies" are Ashton-Drake dolls- real looking "baby" dolls.

She has some of her own "art" work.

Art thereapy is good for the soul!

All alters since Nov have done over 300 collages. Need to buy stock in glue!

I will put Kalisa's collages on here- now she did some on over sized paper and the printer does not have a shrink feature - so you get a left and right sides to look at. Havent figured out how to combine them yet- no brain energy to think on something like that.

Remember what you are looking at is considered "art therapy" - can be trigering to some ...........

One of these days I will figure this picture thing out and get the stuff on here the right way - till then - it is - oh well!!!!!!!!!!!

Get This off my chest First

Well havent been here for awhile- was at the hospital every day for IVs for 1 1/2 wks and the dr appointments and all that medical crap!

Pic over here- my head pain that I have all the time since they took out 2 small brain tumors and had to put a metal plate in there to hold the piece of skull in place till it heals.

Since the cold weather set in- it hurts horribly !

Pressure and pain at the left temporal area and left eye-worse then sinus pain!

Anybody out there want it?

Then you have all these other germs inside you-

Just sitting there waiting their turn to grow and cause more problems! Lovely little miserable things!

And then there is the never ending daily confusion

and then there is just more and more confusion ..............

Does it every stop????????

Will it ever end??????????????????????