Monday, March 9, 2009

Cant Sleep!

This body hurts so bad!

The head aches so much it hurts to lay it on a pillow! And it is a very soft pillow!
Try eating and just get sick - have lost over 10lbs this past week.
Have to take a pill just so I dont throw up all the other pills to stay alive.

Stay alive for what? more agony?
Kalisa runs and hides so SHE doesnt throw up. The only time she runs and hides. How it was tried in therapy for her to run inside - now she does it just so SHE doesnt get sick! But she isnt totally inside-she does sit and rock - and rock and rock!
She doesnt come out but just does that rocking!
I was thinking earlier - what did I- me Elizabeth ever get out of therapy?
I never ask to go to therapy - that was Dr F's idea for Terry to go and then the shrink's suggestion for a therapist.
And look where it got me - I was better off just staying inside and not ever coming out. I wonder what would have happened if I didnt come out when Terry decided to "go on vacation" as Kalisa calls it.
Who would have taken over?
I didnt ask for this miserable life.
Kalisa didnt ask for it either. Look where it has gotten her. No where-nothing has been done to help her- no one cares to help or wants to help!
The shrink quit on us, the therapist quit on us - there is a year long waiting list for a therapist who is qualified in DID- there just isnt any help out there for us.
Family, friends and others have totally distanced themselves from us.
Art therapy was helping - but now I dont even care to do that. K likes to just cut out the pictures. She use to do one collage-finish it before starting another- now she has about six different ones started and not finished.
Her concentration is going down hill- for finishing something before starting something else.
The confusion and noise in the head is horrible!
If you tried and tell someone about it and how you feel - they would just look at you like you are crazy!
The local police think that I am a crazy old lady! They just look at me when they pass me when I am outside with the dog. One of the guys is actually afraid of me! When he sees me he turns and practically runs the other way!
I havent talked to anyone in the outside world for over a week!
I dont even know if I would know how to have a normal conversation with a person because it has been so long since I sat down with another person and talked!
Well K is trying to come out. What the hell! I am going to let her and not try and stop her from coming out any more. Then I dont have to feel the miserable body when I am inside!

No comments: