Friday, October 17, 2008

10.17.08 What's It Like to be Safe ?

I do not know if I ever will know what it is like to be safe or feel safe.
I dont sleep for days and then only take prescription sleeping pills so my body will shut down and get some rest.
Like right now - I went to bed and 30 mins later the dog is barking and someone is at the door.
But to call the police - they think that I am just a crazy old lady and not to be believed! I live on the main street of a little town but my back door is off a dark alley. No one is ever around out back and the windows between the houses are ideal for trying to get in. NO one sees between the houses-there is a closed doorway between them.

My body is tired and hurts so bad. I think back in August when I fell off the back of a U-haul truck and hit my head - I think I jarred the plate loose that the doc put in my head when he removed the two small brain tumors. They were growing on the lining on top of my brain and had not gone down into the brain itself. I was lucky - that is the part of the brain for speech.
But there is a big dent and the pain is really bad in that area.
Just what I need on top of DID!!!!!!

It looks like it is going to rain. Just about every time it rains the "badded boyses" come and get Kalisa. She even knows and fears the rain now. She has even gotten in the habit of calling a person ( no name will be mentioned) and telling her that it is going to rain or that it is raining at her house(Kalisa's) and cant she please come over to her house. She knows she needs to get out of her house and some place else when it rains so she will not be taken and abused.
Maybe it wont rain. If it rains all weekend - well that probably means another weekend of abuse.
I have no where to go to get away.

Supposedly there was an organization that was "helping" me.
Their term of help was to put me "away". They were going to have me put in a group home -basically locked up. I would have to give up my pets (my dog which is trained to let me know when someone is at the door and when the phone rings-I am hard of hearing and need bilateral hearing aids because of the MS-but do not have the funds to buy hearing aids) and my 4 baby red foot tortoises. These animals are my family.
People family have basically forgotten about me. Oh they call maybe once a month to see if I am still alive.

The only thing this organization did was to cause me alot of grief and make me loose daily computer contact with my therapist who was on medical leave.
So I had to tell them to mind their own business and leave me alone - I didnt want their "kind of help".

So I am back to being by myself - all alone with my animals and just the crazy lady that lives by herself - sees and hears things- dont mind her - she is just a little crazy!!!! (and dont worry about getting to her house fast -remember she is crazy and there really isnt anybody trying to get in!)

Several months ago Kalisa came out and stayed out for about a week. At that time I was still in contact with my therapist via computer.
She knew of my medical problems and Kalisa knows how to call her on the phone - which the therapist allowed her to call only if she had permission from a safe big to call the therapist. The therapist was the only safe big that Kalisa trusted. (Kalisa is the 4 yr old part)

The therapist grew concerned about Kalisa not taking the daily medications.
And eating. So she got together a couple of bags of groceries and phoned Kalisa and told her she was bringing her groceries. After the therapist got inside the house a knock came at the door.
There stood two huge policemen and two EMTs. They where there to take Kalisa (me) to the hospital. This had all been prearranged .
The trust the had been built up be the therapist was suddenly shattered!
I was put on the psych ward!!!!!!
But that was after I was locked up in a padded room in the ER.
I, Elizabeth come out after several hours of being locked up in that padded room in the ER. After the doc was informed that the 4 yr old part went"back in" and I , Elizabeth was out - and was quite capable of caring for myself - he was pissed!!! I ask to go home .
I was told no ! I was going to the psych ward ! I took up his time, he signed the paper ( court order) and I was staying! And he didnt care what the hospital paper said! I was locked up in that room and then for 2 days on the psych ward against my will!!!! I was kidnapped by that hospital!!!

And the staff DID NOT know what DID was - they did not know what to do with me - how to treat me or what to watch for!!!!!!!
Talked to 2 different shrinks - both asked the same exact questions and then I was released to go home!
What a farce!!!!!!!!

And the bad part about it was they kept asking Kalisa to take her clothes off!!!
Now why would a 4 yr old be upset with that question? I mean she only knows strangers to tell her to take off her clothes and then they raped her!!!!
Stupid question for her. But very traumatic!!!!! How totally asinine!!!

Well in a couple of hours I go to the family doc - yearly physical - what a laugh!
Been there so often that this shouldn't be necessary!!!
SO goes my life!!!
Unsafe, daily fear, extreme isolation, pain and suffering. My life as DID.

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