Saturday, November 15, 2008


"Littles" at times just seem to pop out when they want to before you learn how to control them or teach them that it is not OK to just appear when they want to.
I really only have one little-Kalisa -who does that. She sometimes just takes over the body. She use to do that alot in therapy sessions as she grew fond of the therapist and learned to trust her.
Now she comes out when she wants to play (she has been provided with her own toys) or sometimes in the toy section of a store. She at one time thought about coming out while driving - that was brought to a very quick halt- and also in dr offices as she thought there was no need to be there and wanted to go home.

I do have other "littles" but they stay inside. They have made their presence known in therapy and through their own art work. But Kalisa is the only one who comes out and has her own personality outside in the world.

She trusts no one. She did trust one person not long ago - but that trust has vanished as that person is basically gone from her life. And that caused her to regress and any undoing of triggers and the very little bit of healing that may have been happening has ceased. She has reverted to her old ways - # 1 rule - trust no one #2 every one lies to you #3 all "bigs" (adults) can not be trusted - funny how she has 2 no trust rules for herself .
She still comes out to play and stays out sometimes longer then she should but her thinking as well as mine is - so what. The "badded" people will still get "us" - they have their ways and they know now that they can get to Kalisa alot easier then before. She has given up trying to be safe because her one and only reason for trying to be safe no longer exist for her. She has no reason to want to be safe. She feels she has no need to be safe. She just doesnt care any more.
She has know from her beginning she was never wanted and that no one cared about her or what happened to her. She said in her own 4 yr old way that her life has not changed any - people make promises and dont keep them, people say words and really dont mean them. People you learn to trust just leave you and dont want to hear what is going on in your life or want to talk to you or with you. You are once again lost and forgotten.
It seems like it is a never ending cycle of the lost and forgotten.

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